In a Strangers Eyes
by ercarterfan
Summary: A new med student has a family connection to the ER, and an character from the past returns set in 2008 This story has been modified from the beginning and new chapters have been added.
1. Default Chapter

_**Disclaimer: Ahh okay I don't own the characters of ER. Those belong to the lovely creators of ER. I just borrow them for fun. Nothing is going to be made off this story, I'm just a starving pre-med student with some free time every now and then. **_

_**A/N: This story takes place 4 years from now. Please R&R, it's greatly appreciated cause if no one review I have no idea if I need to keep going with it or put it in the bin of what I thought was a good idea but really sucked.**_

_**In a strangers eyes**_

_**Chapter one: The beginning of it all, Chicago fears**_

What was I to do? This was not how I pictured my life after all this time. Alone, scared, lost, and sick to my stomach, those where the feelings that I was feeling right now. Here I was standing outside the hospital where I was to start my new rotations as a medical student. I had put six years into my training so far. Honestly I was terrified, I didn't know if I could cut it now as I was about to begin the clinical aspects of my training. People's lives were about to be put into my hands, and it was going to be up to me to save them. The book part had been easy. I was good at that, I could study and memorize stuff with the best of them, yet hard work was not something that I was afraid of. One would have thought by now that I would be use to being all alone. I wasn't, that was the one that I could not conquer. I laughed it was all that I could do to keep my emotions from letting me throw up as I looked at those double doors leading inside.

So who was I and what was I doing standing in front of the doors of Cook County General Hospital now in 2008? Well that was a good question. The answer to that question would take a little bit of explaining. I had gotten married in Kentucky to what I thought was a sweet boy right out of high school. That was my downfall, to young to know what I was doing, to naive to be able to see the crappy future that was in front of me.

We some how managed to survived until I got my acceptance letter to Northwestern University in Chicago. That was one of the last nails in my marriages coffin. Not that it was the only problem that we had. He had grown up the son of a preacher's daughter. All he knew about his dad was that he wasn't ever there, which had made him in some ways bitter. It wasn't until shortly after we got married that his mother thought that he was old enough to know who his father was. The only information that she was able to give him was a name and that she knew he had practiced medicine in Chicago for a little while, but had willingly lost touch with him. That he was nothing but a womanizer with severe commitment issues. The only part that I couldn't understand of all of this, was that if he was such a terrible man, why did she feel the need to give her son his last name and not hers, they were never married, but then Dana had, the entire time I knew her been a little mentally off. So basically I knew the name of my soon to be ex-husband's father and I knew that he had gone to the same university that I was going to graduate from in 2 years. I think that was part of what drove my husband to the brink that he was at. Afraid that once I had finished my schooling that I wouldn't need him anymore. That I was going to abandon him. Well, unfortunately for us, he had made the decision himself. He knew that I would not tolerate any form of cheating, none, I was not the kind of person who could forgive something like that.

His mother coming clean about his father didn't fix anything in his life, shortly after that he stopped talking to his mother, and he stopped talking to me. He started to drink and I about lost it when I found him in the arms of a younger blonde woman. The first of what turned out to be many, and when I got accepted to Northwestern, I left, cutting what strings I had left with him and Kentucky. I was not going to be going back. I had no family there, other than him. I had lost my parents many years ago, cancer took my father when I was 12 and my mother died in a car accident 5 years ago. I had fought long and hard to get to where I was now and there was nothing stopping me but my fear. So who was this man who had walked away from my husband and helped to ruin what sham of a marriage that I had going, it was a man by the name of Doug Ross. Well I knew more about him than that. A little bit of research at the school had provided me with a picture of him, that he had been a resident, fellow, and then a Pediatric Attending physician at the ER there.

It had done little to calm my fears when I found out that several years ago, he had left Chicago to practice in Seattle after some sort of incident at the hospital. I really did not want to meet the man anyway. What would I say to him if I had the chance? Well it would not have been pretty, but then I didn't know both sides of the story. I only knew Dana's side. Maybe it was best that he wasn't there anymore. I pulled at the short lab coat that I was wearing. I wouldn't get to wear the long one until after I graduated, which I was looking forward to. It had been a long dream of mine to become a doctor. To know that I could cut it with the best of them, to be Erica Ross MD.


	2. Return to the End, brand new starts are

_**Chapter 2: Return to the end, brand new starts are possible**_

Doug Ross never thought that he would be standing outside the ER at County General ever again. Let alone about ready to start a shift. He thought that once had left that would be the end of it, but for some reason things weren't that way. He was being given a second chance. This was a chance that he was willing to take, only because now that he and Carol were back in Chicago. Doug needed a job to support his wife and two children. County seemed like a good choice, why not go back to the hospital that had almost ruined his career, forced him to leave the woman he loved and move across country. Oh wait that was all his own doing, and he had learned some valuable lessons from that. Seattle had made him a changed man in many ways. He had slowly rebuilt his career and proved to people that he was no longer the short tempered, fly from the handle rebel that he had been in his younger days. Helen, Carol's mother, had taken a turn for the worse and her health was slowly declining. Doug knew that no matter how poorly he and Helen got alone, he wouldn't keep Carol and the girls from being there with her, so they packed up their family and headed back to Chicago. He had worked hard to rebuild his reputation while he was in Seattle and it seemed that Kerry Weaver was willing to put aside bygones and start again. He had good strong references from Seattle in his hand when he had talked to Kerry about rejoining the staff here. Yet, he never thought in a million years with Kerry Weaver that brand new starts would ever be possible.

He took a deep breath and walked inside the hospital. Carter was standing at the admit desk talking to a woman who Doug didn't recognize but then it had been nine years now since he had left County. Nine years, in reality that didn't seem that long, but yet for everything that was around him time had moved faster than he thought possible.

He walked up to him, "Hello Doctor Carter." Doug said to him standing beside him. He wasn't sure why he decided to add the formality of calling him Doctor Carter, but he did it anyway maybe as out of a professional courtesy more than anything, but Carter, would always be Carter to him. He could still see him as that fresh faced young new medical student who placed a chart on the bell and showed up in a starched tailored lab coat as a surgical student. He was shocked when Carter turned and snuggled up against him was a sleeping child.

"Well look what the cat dragged in, hey there Doug." Carter was a bit surprised to see him. "What bring you to County?"

"Carol and I moved back here about a week ago, and well work brings me here." Doug said. "Who is this little one sleeping on you?"

"Ah this is my son," he said kissing the top of the toddler's head now that was starting to stir in his arms, "William."

"Wow," Doug said looking at the two of them smiling. "He huh looks just like you." Doug turned his attention now to the woman who was standing next to him, "Doctor Doug Ross." He extended his hand to shake hers.

"Doctor Abby Carter," she said as she shook his hand.

"Ah," Doug said, "Congratulations Carter, I had no idea that you got married. Guess I am a little out of the loop still."

"Two years ago." Carter said shifting the toddler in his arms. "I'm a lucky, lucky man. Well I had better get William home so that he can go to bed." He leaned over and kissed Abby on the cheek, "have a goodnight sweetheart and don't let that new medical student of yours get to you. I'm sure she'll work out just fine. Tell Carol I said hello." Carter walked out of the ER with his precious cargo.

"I had better get to work." Doug said as he watched Carter's retreating form.

Abby quickly stopped him when Carter had mentioned Carol. It clicked as to who this was. "Oh, so you are Carol's famous Doug." She said, "It's nice to meet you. How are the twins, Tess and Kate?"

"Oh they are doing great. They are with Carol right now at the new house that we bought when we got here. I will tell Carol that you were asking about her, if you have time I'm sure that she wouldn't mind if you stopped by and saw her and the girls." Doug wasn't sure how Abby knew Carol but she might have arrived at County after he had left but before she joined him in Seattle with the girls. "I'd better get to work. I don't want Dr. Weaver to think that I am slacking off after being gone so long."

He walked into the lounge and put his things in his locker. There putting on a lab coat was a face that he hadn't seen in a long, long time. He thought quickly what had it been now 11 years. The last time he had seen her she was getting ready to leave for Arizona to be with her sister Chloe and her niece little Susie. "Susan? Susan Lewis?" Doug said almost shocked.

Susan turned around to look at him, "Doug Ross, oh my god how are you?" She said hugging him. She was as shocked as ever, she had heard rumors that he was coming back to work here, but that's all she thought them to be were rumors.

"I'm fine how are you doing? I never thought that I would see you in Chicago again." He said as he gave her a quick hug back.

"Been here going on six years now." She said smiling at him, "it's nice to see your face again there Dr. Intercom after all this time."

Doug had to laugh at that. After all this time she still had that nickname for him. "Well Carol's mom's not doing to well so we moved back so she and the girls could be with her."

"How are the girls?" Susan asked.

"They are getting big. It's hard to believe that they are eight now." Doug said smiling as he mentioned his daughters. "What have you been up to?"

Susan smiled, "well not much got married three years ago shortly after Alexis was born."

"Wow so much has changed since I left. It's a miracle that I recognize anyone anymore." He said putting his stuff away and pulling on his lab coat. "I know that it was hard to recognize the ER, Dr. Weaver sure has made a lot of changes since I left."

"Well not that much has changed." She said laughing a little, "okay well it has, Carter's married, I'm married we both have kids. Alexis and William are both four and seem to get along really well. Looks like the next generation of County doctors are growing up. Not that I am really wanting Alexis to be a doctor, I know her dad would be thrilled if she decided to be a flight nurse." Susan said as she headed for the lounge door towards admit.

Doug let out a small laugh as he followed her, "yeah don't blame him there. I don't know about Tess and Kate. I can't see them going into medicine just yet, but they still have a long time to make up their minds. As much as they've hung out in hospitals, I think it might just rub off onto them."

"We'll I had better get busy, looks like the board is starting to back up." Susan said as she picked up a chart.

"Yeah that's what I'm here for too." He said following her lead and grabbing a pediatric case from the rack. "Maybe we can get coffee sometime and I can play catch up. It looks like there's a lot that I have missed." He said as he headed off with his chart to start what looked to be a very promising night.

Please read and review let me know if you liked it.


	3. Go forth and heal

_**Chapter 3: Go forth and heal**_

I finally found the courage to walk thru those double doors. It was almost as if they were taunting me, daring me to cross thru them, to face what ever might be on the other side. I looked at my watch, well on the bright side, all my stuttering and stammering outside hadn't made me late. That would have not been good; after all I needed to make a good impression on my resident. If I didn't I wouldn't stand a chance and getting out of here with good marks. Well if I killed someone that could really ruin good marks now couldn't it? 'Oh stop it Erica you are not going to kill anyone, who in their right mind would let a third year medical student treat patients'. I let out a little laugh again; it was how I dealt with the pressure and fear. It had always worked, gotten me some evil looks from professors but it made me feel better and relax which is what I needed to do right now.

It took a few minute but I found the person that I thought was my resident. "Doctor Carter?" I asked with a shaky voice. It was not that I was scared of her, but that I was more nervous than anything else.

"Yes, I'm Doctor Carter." I hear her say as I watch her turn around to look at me.

"I'm Erica Ross, your new med student." I said almost sizing up my resident as I extend my hand to her. I'm not shocked when she doesn't take it to shake.

"Well then let's get started shall we." She said as she started to walk again. I hurried after her not wanting to get left behind. "This is the admit desk, all charts can be picked up here, no picking thru take the first one that's there. Put your initials on the board, patient complaint and any tests or diagnostics that you are waiting for. DR does not stand for doctor those really are his initials." Abby said to me, "nursing orders go in here, remember to treat them with respect, they will make your job a hell of a lot harder if you don't. Take the patient work them up and then find me and we'll go over what you came up with and go from there."

I nod as I am still following her, listening to her instructions. I was getting thrown into the deep end and expected to sink or swim. I could handle this, I knew that I could. "Whenever possible take your own patients up to radiology, they have a tendency to scare them and make them wait longer than necessary. This is trauma one and two. You'll spend most of your time in exam rooms, but you will be working with me in there. Do you know how to start IV's?"

"Yes," I said to her as I was now almost at a steady jog to keep up with her.

"Well that's a good thing." I hear her say to me as she hands me a chart. "Get to work."

My knees start to shake a little as I hold the chart in my hand. Oh my god I was about to have my first real patient, a real sick human being. My heart is almost pounding now in my chest as I wonder if I really am ready to do this. I hear her footsteps stop in the hallway, "Miss Ross, is there a problem?"

"Uh no, there's not." I respond almost automatically as I take a deep breath and head into the exam room to treat my first patient. Right now I am wondering why I was keeping my married name the initials I would be putting up on the board were ER. I had to laugh to myself. It was not that my maiden name was any better; a new name was the only good thing that I was taking out of this marriage. Well as I looked at it, Ross was a lot better than Dejanski. I walk into the room introduce myself to the patient and started to do a work up getting the patients history and chief complaint. My hands shake a little as I write down the pertinent information writing down only what I thought was necessary. If it was charted then we would be there all night with a LOL with multiple medical problems, and I didn't want Dr. Carter to yell at me for taking to much of a history or writing down every little complaint that she had. It wasn't a scary as I thought that it would be. I walked out of the room going over what the symptoms were, what tests might need to be ordered and just what I was going to say to my resident. That was going to be the hard part because I didn't want to be wrong in front of her. And I have never presented a case to someone other than classmates.

I found Abby standing at the admit desk. I walked up and started to present my case to her; the entire time trying to stick to just the important factors, and hoped that I didn't leave anything important out of it. When asked I rattled off what tests I thought should be ordered and my differential diagnosis. Oh wow I had just made my first diagnosis. Abby agreed with me and told me to proceed with treating the patient which made my entire night to bad that I had another eleven hours to keep doing this.

I didn't stay at the admit desk very long because I didn't want her to think that I couldn't do this. I had finally found the confidence that I had been lacking and now felt like this was something that I could do. I could really make this work. I had the ability to go forth and heal.

I worked up several more patients for Doctor Carter before she told me that it was time to grab a quick bite to eat. I did not realize that the night was flying by so fast. I was staying busy and it felt good to know that I was doing things right. I ran across the street to get something to eat quickly from the little deli that was next door. It wasn't much but it was the only thing open this late, or was it early. I looked at my watch, almost surprised that it was nearly three in the morning. That meant that I only had another 4 hours left. Where had the night gone? Seven to seven was not going to be as bad as I thought it was going to be if all my nights went like this. I had this feeling that it would be a long time before I saw any daytime shifts.

This did not really bother me all that much. I sat at ate since I actually was hungry. I didn't know that it would be this long before I got the chance to eat, but since time had flown by so fast it was cool. I ran back to the hospital because the cold Chicago wind was blowing against my bare arms. I should have grabbed my coat but wasn't thinking when I left the hospital. I got inside and headed back to work.

It didn't seem like more than an hour had passed when I was getting ready to pick up yet another chart when Dr. Carter stopped me, "that's enough, it's almost 7 now, what do you say you call it a night and get out of here."

"Okay if you're sure." I said putting it back down.

"You don't have to save all of Chicago in one night." Dr. Carter said to me.

"I know." I was actually smiling now. What I had done couldn't have gotten any better than it had been that night. I packed up my stuff and headed for the door. Slowly with tired steps I left behind my first night as an med student at County General.


	4. Chance Encounter

**_Chapter 4: Chance Encounter_**  
  
I had learned more in the one week working under Dr. Carter than I thought humanly possible. The experience that Abby had, the compassion and patients was something that I had never seen from anyone before. She was patient with me in more ways than one. It seemed that every night there was something different that we were doing. She had already let me in on two traumas and let me run one, which I had found to be an adrenaline rush beyond anything that I had ever experienced. I rushed up the EL steps. I was running behind tonight. My soon to be ex- husband had decided to call right as I was getting ready to leave and instead of letting the machine get it I had to answer it and once I did I regretted it.  
  
The train was crowded as I got on and hoped that we could just get to my stop fast. I was only two EL stops from the hospital. Most medical students lived in the dorms, but I preferred to live off campus, and fortunately for me, my married status allowed me that option. Not that I could really afford much, the apartment I was staying in wasn't anything fancy, but it was a roof over my head. My student loans were paying for it right now. The rain was starting to fall again as I ran as fast as my legs could carry me across the parking lot and in thru the double doors. Shaking the water off as I sprinted for the lounge. "Damn it." I curse as I look at the clock. I am almost 30 minutes late for the start of my shift. I toss my stuff into the locker that they had given me and run my hand thru my hair trying to get it to lay down at least a little bit before I pull it back into it's ponytail for the night. I turn shutting my locker and heading for the admit desk.  
  
"Hey there Jerry," I say trying to find a smile for the sweet teddy bear like desk clerk. "Slow night?"  
  
"Yeah, but don't say the S word you'll start a stampede." He chuckles.  
  
"Oh okay." I nod a true smile finding its way onto my face. "Where's Dr. Carter?"  
  
"She's not coming in tonight. She set it up so that you would be working with an attending tonight." Jerry said.  
  
I walk around the desk. "Oh is the attending here?"  
  
"Nope not yet seems like everyone is running a little bit late tonight." Jerry said smiling at me.  
  
I grin back at him, "Dr. Weaver here?"  
  
"Nope she's off."  
  
"Well then Jerry what you waiting for." I say as I the smile on my face as I watch him reach over to the radio as I toss him a cd and as the music starts to play. I look at him, "Passenger side I slide on in. Vinyl seats soft from the heat of the sun. Chewin' on a Slim Jim, can't stop thinkin' bout him. Yeah, yeah, yeah he's the one Yeah, yeah, yeah he's the one." I started to sing. I peruse the labs that were there, double checking them and putting them with what charts were in the ER. Not that there were that many tonight. It was pretty slow right now. I knew that it wouldn't be that way for long. I have my back to the ER entrance now as I am belting the song out, not hiding my accent anymore. True southern Kentucky girl, letting it all come out. Jerry is smiling as I bop my head my strawberry blonde hair bouncing up and down as I swing my head. "Ooo, Ooo, Ooo, loves so sweet right here in the passenger seat Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooooo yeah life's so sweet. When I look to the left see his suntanned hands his muddy river hair and his thousand acre plans. I'm all shook up like a quarter in a can ain't life sweet, in the passenger seat."  
  
I felt Jerry poke me as he turned the radio down once again, oh shoot the attending must have been there and Jerry didn't want us to get into trouble. I just kept my head down and pretended like I was working with out turning around. It would have been a lot more fun if Abby had been there and Jerry and I could have kept goofing off until something came in, but oh well. After a few minutes I stepped back, "is the coast clear?" I say laughing softly.  
  
"Yeah it was just Dr. Ross." I hear Jerry say as my mouth fell open and you could have picked it up off the floor.  
  
"Dr. Ross?" I ask trying to pull myself from the shock that I was feeling. Surely it wasn't the Dr. Ross that I had been dreading accidentally bumping into, the one that I thought was in Seattle. I was in Chicago, not Seattle.  
  
"Yeah Doug Ross, he came back early last week from Seattle, he used to work her awhile ago, he and his wife now have moved back to Chicago." Jerry said giving me an odd look, "Hey there Erica you look like a deer caught in a headlight. What? You related to him or something there slim?"  
  
"Uh uh." I say feeling my mouth moving before my brain, and my head bobbing up and down when I didn't want it to. I blink a couple of times trying to regain my bearings not that anything would help with that. I was momentarily lost in a void. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out watching my bangs go up and come fluttering down.  
  
"How?" Jerry said moving so that he was standing right next to me, as if he was trying to get some kind of a scoop.  
  
I look him, "this is not next week's gossip Jerry." I snap not meaning too and once I realized what I had done, "oh I'm sorry Jerry. I didn't mean to snap at you. You're still cool with me." I said trying to smile; I didn't want to hurt his feelings. "I just don't really want to talk about it."  
  
"It's okay." Jerry said, "you know you can trust me if you need someone to talk about."  
  
I wrap my arm around him, "oh I know that Jerry." I say softly. "I'm okay I will be okay. I've been thru worse; this is just a speed bump."  
  
"You're my favorite med student Erica." He said smiling.  
  
"Yeah Jerry I know, don't worry I'll bring you coffee when I get mine." I let out a little laugh, "I suppose that you want a donut or maybe a muffin to go with it for those late night joneses." I watch as Jerry just smiles at me,  
  
"I'm gonna miss you when you have to leave us."  
  
"Ah Jerry you don't have to worry about that for awhile." I say smiling back at him, "I'm seriously thinking of going into emergency medicine. I have really liked it here."  
  
"You'd be an asset here." I hear him chirp back at me.  
  
"I'd be an asset to you Jer." I nonchalantly reply, "I think that I am the only one who takes care of you."  
  
"You know you are right on the money with that one." I hear him say back to me.  
  
"Ah just turn the music back on would you there. Enough of this talking about assets and taking care of each other, you are too mushy now for me." I grin leaning back and turning up the volume on the stereo, the song that was playing had finished. Better than Ezra is now playing loud in the ER, I stand there dancing as I read the chart over. It is not like I had anything better that I should be doing. There was no attending standing over me and the ER right now is a ghost town.  
  
The one thing that I had learned is not to say anything cause then you jinxes the peace that a quiet night would bring. But I knew too well that come 2 am, the bars would close people would end their night of heavy drinking, be getting into their cars and hitting the road. One too many beers and a car would lead them to the door of County. The battered, the broken and the bruised, all wanting us to find the way to put the pieces of their lives that they had shattered because of their own stupidity back together again. That was a never ending cycle, one that nothing could stop. But then if it did ever manage to stop, I'd be out of a job, and that just wasn't overly appealing to me after all the time that I had put in to get this far.  
  
I must have been more quiet than I realized, standing there lost in my own little world of twisted thoughts. I didn't even hear the doctor come walking up to the admit desk, or Jerry greeting him. Which was almost shocking considering Jerry didn't have the quietest voice around. But yet I had managed to tune it all out and stay focused on what was dancing in my own little brain.  
  
I glance up to see a man in a lab coat standing on the other side of the desk in front of me, unsure if he had said anything to me or not. Unsure if I should say something or just keep my mouth shut now, as to not project the image of an idiot to him. I look him over, not overly tall, but he had a nice build, for an older man, his hair, which you could tell once, was a dark brown not a salt and pepper color. The time showed on his face. Not that he looked old, but time had worn something on him, perhaps it was wisdom that I was seeing staring back at me, but one could never fully tell just be looking at someone anymore. I realize that I am almost staring at this man now. Not quite the first impression that I want to make, but hey he caught me off guard, not the other way around.  
  
My hand flies out, almost with out control from the rest of my body. 'What are you doing?' goes thru my head as I found my mouth and the words that are in my head flying out with out a second thought, "Erica." I say, my southern accent flying out right with the words.  
  
"Doug Ross," I hear him say back to me, so this is where David gets his good looks from. I can tell that they are definitely father and son, that don't shock me as badly as I thought seeing him for the first time would. In fact, I don't feel anything right now, except for the fact that my foot is starting to fall asleep cause I am standing in an awkward position leaning against the admit desk. I shake the doctor's hand as the tingles of pins and needles come flying from my foot. I try not to let the fact that I am dying from the sensation show on my face. I so desperately want the pain to stop, as I try to wake my foot up gently kicking it against the other side of the admit desk.  
  
"So Erica, do you have another name besides Erica?"  
  
Oh he would have to ask me that. Did I tell him? Well it's not like I could go around forever with out him hearing it from someone else. What was the harm in telling him my last name? Everything that I could ever imagine was the harm in telling him my last name, which just happens to be his last name. His last name because I am married to his son. A son that he hasn't seen or talked to in over twenty years, yet something inside of me said that it wasn't just his fault that my darling mother-in-law had a lot to do with that. Dana was no Georgia peach by a long shot. She had always, well the time that I had known her, self-centered and demanding. It was her way or no way. David had always dropped everything if she needed something. I know that my mom was different after Dad died, more protective, but then she wasn't like Dana. In my eyes she had every reason to be that way. It wasn't her choice that Dad wasn't there with us. Dana had made the choice not to have Doug there. 'Erica don't judge' I find myself telling me. I wasn't there and I didn't know the whole story, just what David had recited to me after his conversation with Dana.  
  
"Uh yeah," I find myself stuttering, I couldn't leave him standing there with out an answer. "It's Ross." Wow could that have been any harder to choke out. Could I have made that pause anymore noticeable and awkward? Maybe I should have just shot myself in the head; it would have been a lot less painful. No, that didn't hurt. Telling him my last name didn't hurt. It was being so wrapped up in my own thoughts of what he was thinking that was hurting. I was probably making more out of this than he would.  
  
"It's a pleasure to meet you." I hear Doug say to me.  
  
"The pleasure is mine Dr. Ross." What where did that come from, what the hell was I doing? Pleasure, no this was not a pleasure; this was torture, but a torture that I was bringing onto myself. Stress that I was creating myself. It didn't seem to even faze him that we had the same last name, so why was I working myself into knots wondering about this man and what he thought. His reaction verses mine, why because my husband had been cut to the bone by this man with out him even having done anything really. I found myself blaming him for what had gone wrong, and inside my heart I knew that it wasn't his fault. But it felt good to have someone else to blame other than me or to blame David.  
  
"So are you from Chicago?"  
  
Ah, I wanted to scream not he was trying to make idle conversation with me. This had to be my night. Now I almost wished that I had said something about it being so slow. Jinxed it all to hell and gone but I hadn't. Okay, okay just be cool and calm about this. Is just conversation, it won't go very far before we have to do something. But this was just the start of a 12 hour shift.  
  
"No, I'm not actually." I say still standing there; maybe I could find something that I needed to do to get me out of this.  
  
"You from somewhere down south then, you have a pretty accent."  
  
I see him smile at me. Now my nerves are starting to go haywire because it doesn't appear that I have an out to this conversation now. I needed an out, oh no, not a panic attack, I did not need a panic attack to set it, but I could feel one coming on as I was extremely uncomfortable standing there talking to him. I try and take a deep breath before I say anything else.  
  
"Augusta Kentucky." I look down at the chart; maybe if he thinks that I am busy he will stop talking to me.  
  
"Small world, I grew up there."  
  
Ahh, no such luck he's still talking to me. Wait a minute of course he is. Why would he stop talking to me, he's stuck with me all night long. Surely he's just trying to be nice to me, make me feel a little more comfortable working with him, and he doesn't know that it's doing just the opposite. It is making me want to put my tail between my legs and run away screaming. I bite my lip hard enough to get the metallic taste of blood on my tongue.  
  
"Yeah I've seen your picture in the high school." What did I just say? Why did I just say that? Bite your tongue girl; you are going to get yourself into hot water.  
  
"I played ball there all four years."  
  
I hate to bit my lip again to keep from saying anymore. I had met his mother once. But just the one time, she had kept in touch with David, but I don't think that Doug knew about that. Dana didn't seem to mind too much that David was in contact with his grandmother, she just didn't seem to want Doug around. I found myself relaxing a little, seeing that he didn't seem to have any clue that we were related now, which was fine with me. If he never put two and two together on his own, I never had to tell him.  
  
"Yeah," I say pretending that it is not that big of a deal. "My husband played there too." Okay now I had just spit out something that I really didn't want to. I had let my guard down and screwed up.  
  
"You're married."  
  
That was a loaded question in itself, but one that I could easily dance around. At least now, I could still dance around. He didn't need to know that I was getting a divorce, and he didn't ask my husband's name so this would be simple....or so I thought.  
  
"Yeah I am." I say now really pretending to pass it off as no big deal.  
  
"Don't know of many married med students."  
  
"Yeah I know I am more the exception than the rule." I say not looking up from what I was doing which was pretty much now just staring at the same page on the chart. But I couldn't bring myself to look up and see his face again.  
  
"Must be a pretty understand guy. You guys living here in Chicago."  
  
I seem him out of the corner of my eye picking up his charts. I don't know how to say answer that one. Cause I'm in Chicago he's back in Kentucky brewing over the fact that I decided to come here with out him, but there's no way in hell that I am going to let him come up here now that I know that Doug is here.  
  
"No, we decided right now it was best if I just came up myself." I reply.  
  
"Must be hard for you to be so far apart right now, I couldn't imagine being that far away from my wife for so long."  
  
I'm not sure what to say to that now. I felt like I had boxed myself into a corner, "oh we are doing okay with it. He's pretty busy." I hoped that was enough of an answer to keep him satisfied for now, we needed a change in conversation now. All this talk about me was starting to wear thin. Besides how much information did the attending really need about me? It wasn't like we would be working together for long; this was just one of my many rotations here at County.  
  
"I see."  
  
Thank god, it seemed as if that part of the conversation was over and that there was nothing else we would be talking about would relate to my marriage, my marriage to his son. I didn't want to get into it really anyway. The less that he knew about me, the better I would feel. I turn and close the chart that I had in front of me. There still was no one in the ER.  
  
"Erica, there a call for you on line 2," I hear Jerry say to me.  
  
"Thank Jerry." I say as I pick up the phone unsure of who would be calling me at County. "Erica Ross."

"Erica its David," I hear my husband's voice on the other end of the line. Great what was he doing calling me here. Didn't we have enough to say to each other when he called the house making me late for work? I look at Doug still standing there with in earshot of my conversation. I really didn't want to get into it with him, not here.  
  
"Look this is not a good time for me to talk." I say into the phone.  
  
"It's never a good time for you to talk to me anymore." I hear him say back to me. Here comes the same old fight, same story just a different day.  
  
"That's not fair, you called me at work." I reply.  
  
"When else am I going to catch you, I leave messages at your apartment but you never call me back."  
  
"Look I just haven't had time. We really can't do this right now." My temper is getting short with him, I don't mean for it to, but now it just happens.  
  
"Make time for me Erica."

"Not right now." I snap.  
  
"No now Erica. Stop putting me off, stop pretending that I don't exist that you can send me papers and that's the last of it."  
  
My patients had reached the end of its rope with him right now. I forgot where I was when I started to yell into the phone. Forgetting that his father was standing there practically next to me, that he would probably know his own son's name, just not know his son. Something inside me screamed hang up the phone, but I couldn't bring myself to hang up on him like that knowing he would call right back.  
  
"David Douglas Ross, don't give me that. I am not putting you off; I am not pretending that you don't exist. This is just as much your own damn fault as it is mine. I'm not the one who found the little blonde-haired woman, the red head, or the server from Smokey's a lot more appealing than my wife. Do I need to go on? You honestly don't expect me to turn my eyes to that and pretend that you didn't do it do you?" I yell now into the phone. As my eyes shift to those who are in the room with me, seeing mouths almost on the floor, I wipe the tears that are forming under my eyes away. I don't give David the chance to say anything else before I slam the receiver down, "excuse me."  
  
I couldn't stay in there right now, not with all those eyes on me. Seeing the look from Doug, one of almost being puzzled or was that sheer confusion that was on his face. I didn't care all I knew is that I had just had a fight with my husband again, yet this time instead of it being behind closed door where no one could hear us; it was out in the open, in the place that I worked, so that I couldn't hide it anymore. I took off at a full run for the stairs, running away to the roof for some air and the chance to get the tears out of my eyes with out breaking down completely in front of my co-workers.


	5. Confrontation

**_Chapter 5: Confrontation_**  
  
I shuttered as I walked on onto the roof, the cold wind ripping again my arms, sending shivers up my spine. I quickly rub my hands up and down my arms in a feeble attempt to get some heat generated so that I didn't freeze up there. The rain was still softly falling from the sky. Not nearly as hard as it was when I had run into work, just more of a drizzle falling, I walk over looking out over the city. The pavement down below was glistening from the falling rain that had dampened it during the day.

The lights of the city now twinkling, as I look at them some have that halo appearance from the reflecting raindrops. The rain falling from the sky ironically fit the darkened mood that I have found myself falling in.  
  
I now close my eyes, opening and closing them as I try to blink away the tears that have accumulated under them. Closing them once again, knowing that blinking them away is a futile attempt. This was not how this was supposed to be, my private life, was supposed to be just that private. Not something, that was shared with those who just happened to be standing in the area when I got that phone call. I don't know who I was more mad at right now, David for calling me at work, or me, for being stupid enough not to just hang up the minute that I heard his voice on the other end of the line.  
  
I open my eyes and start to pace, the anger and frustration eating at me. I probably didn't handle that the way that I should have. If I had just shut my mouth before I said anything, or if I had just hung up the phone and pretended that it didn't bother me, then maybe in a half hour this might have all been forgotten, but tearing out of the ER like my ass was on fire, well that would have left an impression on anyone.

I take in as deep of breath as I can considering the fact that I have now realized I am on the verge of hyperventilating. Why did I care right now, what they thought of me? I was a medical student just here on my rotations, I wouldn't be a permanent part of County any time soon, I didn't even know yet if I was going to put County down as a possible place to do my residency, that will still a long ways away for me. I needed to take this one-step at a time, on day at a time, and not let what happened get under my skin.  
  
Standing still I feel eyes upon me, who would have come up here now, someone feel that I needed a little mocking, or perhaps I needed to be talked to about getting personal phone calls in the work place, or they just wanted to torment me in my time of mental anguish. Thinking about mental anguish almost made me laugh. I wasn't in any kind of mental anguish. Now that for me was being melodramatic, but hey I could play it off it I needed to. I was after all a good actor amongst my many hidden talents.  
  
"Are you okay?" A voice calls from behind me.  
  
What is that concern in the voice that is now trying to talk to me? Do I turn around and answer that, better yet how do I answer that. I don't know if I am okay or if I am hurting a little, or if I am just more embarrassed that this has happened. That someone now knew about my dirty laundry that didn't need to be aired. Maybe if I don't answer they will go away. I stop pacing and lean against the small railing that is there as I look down over the edge of the railing at the ground below me. It's the ambulance bay. Something that I had never noticed before, not that I spent a lot of time up here, I've come up once or twice with Abby when she would take her break and we would talk. While she had her cigarette, her one vice, she had told me and of course, she had made me promise that I wouldn't tell anyone that she still did that up here. I stifle a small laugh that was about to escape my lips, if I didn't answer would he actually be worried that I would be thinking about jumping from here?  
  
"Erica, are you okay?" I hear it again.  
  
The voice asking me pulls me away from the thoughts of jumping, not that I would do that, oh that would hurt and I had no intentions of ending my life by jumping off the roof of a County Hospital of all places where there were doctors and nurses who would undoubtedly try to put the pieces of my shattered body back together and then where would I be, nothing more than a broken comatose person left at the mercy of those around me. No thank you that was not the way I had intended on spending the rest of my life. There were much less painful ways to do that, if that was what I had ever intended to do. I had a bright future ahead of me; I was not going to let the man that I was married to take away that chance from me. I was stronger than what people tended to give me credit. After all, I had survived more than my fair share of tragedy and heartache over the years. Well then maybe, I should answer the voice that is trying to reach out to me.  
  
"I'm okay you don't have to worry." I say, there's no emotion in my voice. My tone as flat as it could ever be. "I'm not going to jump if you are worried about that."  
  
Oh, I love sarcasm it has always been a good friend to me. I could hear it dripping from my voice as I finished that last thought. But then that was how I had learned to deal with people trying to be sympathetic towards me. I didn't need it, to be felt sorry for because of what he had done. No, I was stronger than that. I can no feel him standing next to me. I couldn't bring myself to turn my head to look at him.  
  
"Well, no I really wasn't worried about you doing that. You don't appear to be ready to take that step." The voice behind me says. I can tell that it is Doug, even though I haven't turned to look.  
  
I want to tell him to leave me alone. To give me time to get this out of my system and that I would be back down in the ER in 15 minutes. I didn't need him to tell me that it would be okay, that things would get better. But I couldn't force those words out of my mouth right now. Brutal honesty didn't seem to be the route that I wanted to take. It might have been much better than what was about to come flying out of my mouth. As I now turn to look at him, to see the doctor that was standing next to me, the man who was the father of my husband, absent father at that.  
  
"No jumping off the roof of County would be a very dumb idea. There are much better ways to end one's life than landing in an Emergency room ambulance bay." There is thick sarcasm again dripping from the tone of my voice.  
  
Did that come out the way that I think it did. Was he now going to think that he had some kind of suicidal medical student on his hands, cause really I might have been upset about the fact that my husband and I were fighting and I was trying to get a divorce that he didn't want us to get but really I didn't see any of this as a reason to end my life.  
  
"There's no reason for someone as talented as you are to be even thinking of something that extreme." He says to me.  
  
Now I almost am thankful that I really am not suicidal cause that might have made me actually want to leap to my death, to escape the conversation since he was between me and the door there was no getting away from him. He has known me for what 15 minutes maybe a half hour and he thinks I'm talented, oh I know that I am, but he must be pretty conceited to think that I would believe hearing that from a total stranger.  
  
"No offense there Dr. Ross, but none of this really concerns you, there's no reason why you should care what I am thinking." There is no emotion in my voice as I say that.  
  
"I might not have been a father to David like I should have been, but that doesn't mean that part of me doesn't care about him, or what happens to him, or to those who obviously care about him."  
  
I can hear the concern in his voice as he talks to me; his voice was calm and level. It appears to me that he really thought that I was serious about that. Great this was not going to look good on my evaluation. She doesn't handle the pressures of stress very well. Maybe attending physicians didn't do med student evaluations just the residents. With the way that my luck had been, going lately that wouldn't be the case. I found myself almost wanted to spill the truth to him, the truth as what I saw, how my life had changed because of this, that it wasn't my fault, but more or less his and Dana's for the way that David's life was screwed up. But I blamed David for this, not his parents, as twisted as I found, well at least Dana to be.

Here now I found myself trying to form intellectual thoughts, thinking about what of this mess I should tell him. This was not easy for me; I hadn't talked to anyone other than the lawyer who was handling the divorce.  
  
"He was a good man when I married him, full of life, compassion, so loving and understanding. He told me to follow my dreams that he would be right there by me the entire way. He said that he would be proud to be the husband of a doctor. He never failed to always tell me how bright and talented I was, and that I should never stop." I find myself starting to say. "But when Dana broke down after we had been married for over two years and told him about you, about his father, he changed. It was almost as if he was a different man. Become the man that she said you were. He started drinking and not giving a damn anymore about those who he had once wanted to give the world for. He withdrew from me, didn't talk to Dana or to me. But what hurt the most of this was that he stopped talking to me, his wife, I promised him that I would stand beside him not matter what we encountered but yet he decided to shut me out. When I found out about the women, I snapped. I didn't' want to believe that David would do that to me. He knew that was the one thing, the one thing that I wouldn't be able to forgive him. The first time, I swallowed my pride, didn't believe that he had really stepped over that line, but then there were two and three. I had to walk away from him and he knew it. I don't know why he felt the need to do that. Maybe he felt that cliché like father like son was too true and that he couldn't help himself."  
  
There is an awkward silence up on the roof now. I tried not to think about it, not to feel it but it was there. Sometimes the truth was too brutal and hurt more than one could ever think that it could, but here I found myself telling him just that. I could almost sense that he did not know what to say to my little outburst or confession of sorts. This was going to create quite the working challenge between the two of us. Why did I have to share this connection with him? Why had I decided to do my medical schooling in Chicago? Because that's where I got accepted, this is where all my hard work had led me too. Northwestern was one of the best schools and I had gotten into it because I had worked hard. Him being here was just fate, that was all there was to it, if I over analyzed it I would drive myself nuts. I didn't to do that. I just wanted to finish my education and move on.  
  
"I don't know what to tell you Erica, other than to give you the chance to get to know me, the real me, not the one that Dana painted." He tells me, his voice still held the concern in it that was there before.  
  
What? I am half tempted now to turn and hit him, but I am not a violent person. I take in the words that he is saying to me. Thinking long and hard before I say anything else to him, not wanted to sound like a bitch. Yet knowing inside that this was going to come off like that. Some things no matter how you tried to sugar coat them never quite could come out right and this was one of those things.  
  
"Look it's not me who needs to get to know you." I can feel my voice turning icy with him. Not that at any point during this conversation I had been warm or friendly with him. "You are nothing to me. You just happen to be the attending physician that I have to work with tonight. The biological father of the man I married, you have played no role in my life and have not affected my decisions in any way. It's David you should be telling that to not to me."  
  
"You're right, but it wasn't just my decision, I respected Dana's wishes. Granted it wasn't right for me to walk away as I did. But that is something that I can't go back and change." I hear him start to explain.  
  
He was telling me that he couldn't' change it. My anger and frustration with the situation is starting to come to a head and I know that if I don't find a way to pull it all back under control that I would end up saying something that I would deeply regret. I start counting to myself. It's not working, it's not helping, bah I am now about to scream. Why am I letting this get to me?  
  
"Dr. Ross, you don't have to explain this to me." I snap, "I could care less right now why you did what you did. It really doesn't matter to me. What is going on between David and me is between David and me not anyone else. I regret the fact that he called me at work, that everyone down there now knows that I am not talking to my husband that he has women on the side. But I can guarantee you that this is not going to affect my work that it will not happen again."  
  
I feel his hand on my shoulder almost as if to keep me from jumping. He hasn't said anything yet, and I don't know if he is going to. Not that I want him to say anything, I would rather just have him let me be for a little while work this out with out an audience. Hashing this out with David's father was not at the top of my list of things to do.  
  
"I am just trying to be a friend." His voice now soft and was taking on a different tone.  
  
I push his hand off my shoulder; it's uncomfortable for me to have him touching me as if I was a member of his family. I wasn't. I was making a clean break from David and I didn't plan on becoming best friends with his Dad.  
  
"I appreciate that, really I do, Dr. Ross, but look I have enough friends and I really don't think that's going to happen with us. I'm not sure why you and I were brought together, that you just happen to be returning to Chicago as I am arriving, but this isn't right. I am not going to befriend someone who has, indirectly whether intentional or not played a part in ruining my life."  
  
Oh, man I just yelled at him. I have no idea where that pent up anger came from. I roll my eyes at myself; yeah I know where it came from. David had hurt me, he wasn't here for me to lash out at, and Doug made a perfectly good substitute right now. He was an easy target for me. I knew that it probably wasn't fair of me to take the anger out on him. After all, he hadn't ever seen David, that might have been partially his fault, Dana's too, but I shouldn't have been yelling at him.  
  
"We can all use more friends." I can hear him talking and just as I turn to look at him, he turns to walk away from me. "I expect to see you down in the ER in 15 minutes. You have work that needs to be done." There was no more warmth in his voice, and the concern and compassion that was there seemed to have evaporated.  
  
"I'll be right there." I say to the retreating backside. Did he expect me to tell him that I was sorry for saying what I did? If what I had said hurt, yeah I was sorry for that but I couldn't change the truth. I wasn't going to go and apologize to him. I didn't ask him to get involved in this.


	6. Letter's from home

**_Chapter 6: Letter's from Home._**  
  
A month had now passed with out a word or even a phone call from David. I wasn't upset or even worried about it. Maybe he had finally got in thru his thick skull that we were over and the divorce was just the formality of ending something that was already dead.  
  
I had managed to work around Doug. I had been glued to Abby for the past few weeks as my ER rotation was ending. But I knew that my time in the ER wouldn't be over. My surgery rotation was starting on Monday and this would be my last shift as an ER med student.  
  
"Well have you learned as much as you hoped you would?" Abby asks me.  
  
"You've been the greatest resident that I could have asked for Abby." I say smiling back at her, "I have learned more than I ever thought that I would. You are a great teacher."  
  
I watch her as she does her famous eye roll at me. I can't help but laugh a little, we had grown to like each other, not that we were best friends or anything but closer than we had been when I had started. "You know you are under no obligation to say that." She hands me an envelope.  
  
"What's this?" I ask, unsure of what she is handing me.  
  
"That is your evaluation. You know of your work in the ER, what I thought of your skills and your work." She says back to me.  
  
"Ahh," I say looking at it, not that I really want to open it.  
  
"Erica relax," I hear Abby say to me, "it's all good, I didn't have anything bad to say about you. You have been eager to learn, on time, respectful, the perfect little scut puppy for me." I watch her laugh at the last part.  
  
I let a smile cross my face hearing that, "well you never know." I say back to her, "but thanks for everything Abby."  
  
"Where are you off to next?" She asks.  
  
"That would be my surgical rotation." I say, "Something about 36 hours of call, running for labs, ER consults, it sounds like a picnic, and I would rather stay here."  
  
"Oh well you can always come back." She says to me, "I rather enjoyed having you as a med student. You knew what you were doing and if you didn't you had no hesitations about asking. You'll go far."  
  
"Now you are just blowing smoke up my ass Abby." I say joking back, "you don't have to do that."  
  
She pats my back, "that I am not doing, good luck upstairs."  
  
"Ah thanks." I walk over and stand next to Jerry. I hug him, "ah I don't want to leave you big guy."  
  
Jerry smiles at me, hugging me back, "I don't want you to leave me either. I hope that the newbie is just as good as you."  
  
"That's asking a little much now isn't it. You know they broke the mold when they made me." I am trying to crack jokes.  
  
"You got that right." He says poking my side, in an attempt to get me to giggle again.  
  
"Hey not fair," I say as laughter escapes my lips and I bat his hand away from my side. "I'll be back before you know it."  
  
"I know you will kiddo." He says smiling at me, "oh before I forget this was dropped off for you earlier in the day."  
  
I take the thick envelope from him unsure of what it is until I look at the return address, it's from David. I am hoping that these are my divorce papers and he just accidentally sent them to the hospital because he couldn't remember my home address, "thanks Jerry."  
  
I head for the lounge for the last time this rotation. Abby's review in one hand the letter from David in the other. I grab a cup of coffee and sit down, the day shift would be coming on soon and I didn't know if I wanted to be there when they got on, but I sit down anyway opening up Abby's review first, good news before bad news. She was right; I had never gotten a more glowing positive review in my life. But then this was the first one that I had gotten. With what she said, I knew that I could do this.  
  
My hands start to shake now as I start to open the other one stopping when I see Dr. Lewis and Dr. Carter come into the lounge talking happily to each other. They are followed by Dr. Kovac and his wife Sam. I'm sure that they have noticed me as they get their lab coats from their lockers.  
  
"Hey, good morning Erica," I hear Dr. Lewis's friendly and warm voice say to me.  
  
"Good morning to you too, Dr. Lewis," I chirp back.  
  
"You know its okay to call me Susan when we are not in front of patients. You don't have to be so formal all the time." She smiles at me.

"Sorry Susan." I say grinning back at her, everyone here has been really nice and fun to work with. If you could call what we do that.  
  
"Aren't you leaving us?" She asks.  
  
"Well temporarily. I am starting my surgical rotation Monday." I say smiling.  
  
Sam looks at me for a minute with her arm still wrapped around Dr. Kovac, "Ah, well I am sure then that we will still see lots of you. That explains why Jerry isn't smiling this morning. He's losing his coffee and muffin gopher."  
  
I can't help but laugh at that, "yeah well temporarily. I am sure that I can still find time to slip him a coffee and a muffin occasionally."  
  
Susan smiles at me, "good luck Erica." I hear her say to me as I watch them leave the lounge to start their day.  
  
I pull my attention back to the letter from home. Now opening it all the way, I am surprised at what falls out. There must have been a thousand dollars now sitting on the table in front of me. I put it back in the envelope and wonder why David is sending this to me, and where he had managed to get it. I can't help but wonder if he has in the last month started to get his life back together and maybe just maybe stop drinking. I look up as Doug comes into the lounge followed by Abby.  
  
"I thought that you would have been long gone by now." Abby says smiling at me.  
  
"Uh yeah," I say, "I was on my way out but this came from David." I toss the envelope back down onto the table.  
  
She sits down next to me as she pulls off her lab coat, "not what you were expecting I take."  
  
I shake my head, "no, I wasn't expecting this at all. I haven't had a chance to go thru it all yet." I glance up Doug is standing in front of his locker, I'm not sure just how far to go into this with Abby. She had been understanding and sympathetic all the times that we had talked over the last 6 weeks of my rotation.  
  
I watch as Doug hands Abby a cup of coffee and surprisingly refills mine for me with out me even saying anything. Then he sits down at the table with us. I look at Abby eyes wide not sure what to say or even what to do.  
  
Abby looks at me with concern in her eyes, she knows that this can't be easy on me, and really, it's not. It's harder than I thought it would be. In my heart, I still loved David, but what he had done to me was in my eyes unforgivable, no matter how much or how hard he tried to change.  
  
"What did he send you this time?" She asks.  
  
"Money," I say as I dump the contents of the envelope out on the table again, this time actually looking more at them this time. There were pictures of our house that he has fixed up and painted. Looking at them bring tears to my eyes as I think of the time that we were happy there. I look at the note that he had tucked into there that was lying now next to the picture, I don't know if I can bring myself to read it. I pick it up just staring at it for a minute before I can actually get my eyes to focus on the handwriting that was so clearly his.  
  
"Erica, honey I know that I can't undo what I have done. The hurt and the pain that I have caused you are unforgivable even in my eyes. I haven't had a drink in almost a month now. I miss you, I really do, if you can find it somewhere in your heart to believe that. I promised you that I would stand by you and help you achieve your dreams. I will stand by that promise even if I am not your husband anymore. I know this isn't much but it should at least help pay the rent, put a little more than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on your table. I know you've been eating those, it's all you ate your first two years of pre-med when money got tight for us." I find that I am reading his words out loud thru misty teary eyes.  
  
"Maybe there's a small chance that we can try and work out the bad stuff that's happened between us. You know the more I think about it, and with you not here beside me I have had a lot of time to think, what mom told me, I shouldn't have taken it the way that I did. I only know her side of the story not his. I talked to Grandma earlier and she told me that he really wasn't like that, well not anymore, he had his troubles, but really, he's a good person. I can only try not fall again, try to make up for everything that I have done, but I need you to give me another chance, a second chance to make it all up to you. I don't want to give up on us, what we had was special and I think that you know it too. I love you and only you."  
  
I stop reading as I come to the end. I lay my head down in my hands on the table as I can feel the tears coming harder and faster than they were at the beginning of the letter. As the sobs start to wrack my body I can feel two strong hands on my back pulling me from my sobbing position on the table into a very tight hug giving me a shoulder to cry on.  
  
The only sound in the room now is the sounds coming from my crying body. I am not trying to hold them back anymore. I don't pull away from Doug's shoulder, I can tell that it's him that is holding on to me not Abby, the arms around me are to big and the shoulder that I am crying on is too broad to be hers. Up on the roof now what seemed an eternity ago he said that he wanted to be my friend and now here I found myself letting him actually be the one to comfort me. I must have cried for a good 15 minutes onto him. I could feel the damp spot on his shirt from my tears. I pull back away from him as I wipe my hand under my eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry Doug." I say rubbing my eyes again. I am willing the tears to stop the best that I can but they don't want to seem to stop falling from my eyes just yet. This shouldn't have been as upsetting as it was and I should have seen this coming but somehow it has blindsided me.  
  
His arm is now around my shoulder as he is giving me a small but meaningful hug, "don't you worry about it, and I'm a friend, even if you don't think you need anymore."  
  
I try to force a smile on my face, but it's not there, "I can't do this again. I love him more than I have loved anyone in my life, but I can't let him do this. It hurts to bad."  
  
I know that I am talking about his son, and walking away from a marriage that is sinking, but I didn't think that I had the strength to keep doing this to open up to David again and risk having my heart broken again.  
  
Doug just hugs me as he pushes the hair back away from my face. "You have to do what you feel you have to do, eventually David will understand and if he doesn't, and then he never does."  
  
I sniffle a little now. I guess he felt the need to give a little fatherly advice to his soon to be ex-daughter-in-law. That really doesn't bother me though. Maybe he and I could get to be friends regardless of my relationship with David. He does seem like he is a good person. I might have over reacted when I said that I didn't need any more friends, right now I could use all the friends that I could get.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter 7: Rotating Rotations**_

The weeks flew by, my head nearly spun as I floated from Surgery, NICU, Psyche, and thru the other rotations in the hospital. My status changed from that of a third year to a fourth year. My nerves were at an all time high now as I took the boards and now found myself doing yet another ER rotation. I smiled now as I stood outside the door again, the entrance to the ER. It seemed like forever since I had worked in there on my last rotation, but there was something about the ER. It and now here I was thinking that I had found my calling. The ER had been the one place that I had put some serious consideration into doing my intern year and my residency.

Without hesitation this time, I walked in smiling again as I threw my things into a locker in the lounge. This place almost felt like home and that I had been away from it too long. I put on my lab coat, over a pair of scrubs. I would have actually worn clothes, but the thought of having to change yet again after being there fifteen minutes; it just made more sense for me to wear scrubs. I had gotten used to wearing them from the other rotations.

With a cup of coffee in each hand I headed for the admit desk. Setting one of the down in front of Jerry, "hey there did you miss me?" I asked him smiling.

"Erica!" I hear the teddy bear looking desk clerk say as he looks down at me. Jerry was a great deal taller than I was. His arm went around my shoulder, "back to join us?"

"You bet I am." I say beaming now, "6 weeks and then it will be Dr. Erica."

"I'm looking forward to that." He says to me. "Although you don't expect me to call you Dr. Ross do you?"

"Oh you know I do." I say to him teasingly, "of course not Jerry. Dr. Erica will work just as fine, or doc." I playfully punch at his arm as I look at the rack, "whose on this fine Chicago Monday?"

"Dr. Lewis, Dr. Carter, and I think Dr. Ross is due in here soon."

I smile as I take a drink from the coffee cup. "I see. Well then I guess that I should get busy here." I put the coffee cup down and pick up a chart. "Don't want them to think that they have some slacker down here again." I now look at the chart in my hands, "oh man what a way to come back, you think that you could have warned me."

I hear Jerry laugh, "now where would have been the fun in that."

"You know Jerry," I say giving him this halfhearted upset look in his face, "I thought you would have treated me better."

"First come first serve." He says with his smile, "you know I love you but there's that no picking thru the rack rule."

"Well it could be worse," I say walking down the hall, nothing like starting my day off with a foreign body removal. I head into the room to begin my day.

Twenty minutes later, I manage to pull myself from the room. There was no short story behind this one, and the patient had felt some deep-seated need to tell me the entire story. This story of his was way more than I had ever wanted to know. Once he started though, I could find no way to get him to stop. I find my coffee back at admit, now somewhat colder, almost to the point of not being drinkable.

"Jerry you stick me with another one of those and I am never going to bring you another donut or cup of coffee as long as I live." I say half joking, half meaning it.

I see Doug now standing there with a very smug look on his face. "Ahh, you get the short end of the stick there Erica?"

"I'll short end of the stick you." I half joke with him now, "if you only knew how bad the stick reference was." I say signing the chart and holding it out to him, "here sign off on this would you so I can get him out of the ER before he finds something else."

I watched Doug look at the chart and make a face, "oh yeah," he said looking up at me, "go right ahead a dispo this one."

I roll my eyes at him now, "that was the plan." I say. I had become more confidant in my abilities as a doctor now, "wasn't looking for your approval there doc, just a signature."

"Gotten cocky there my little medical student." He said reaching over and poking at me.

"Nope, I've just hung around you too long," I say poking back at him, "I'm aiming for ER cowgirl rather than ER cowboy."

"Hey now," Doug said looking at me over his chart, "there will be none of that, one ER rebel is all that county can handle. They broke the mold when they made me."

"Oh no, they didn't," I spat back at him, "they broke it when they made me. You were just a prototype."

"Prototype, you girl are cruel." He said to me.

"Well at least I'm not ancient like you." I said still smiling at him, "what's that saying, you can't teach old dog's new tricks."

"Watch it." He said smiling at me as we jested back at forth.

Even I had to admit that the relationship that I had with Doug was different than I thought it ever could be. I had managed to get past the awkwardness of being his daughter-in-law and see him for the true person that he was not the person that had been painted by my mother-in-law.

I picked up another chart while I was standing there so that if anyone passed by it looked like I was working hard. "Coffee when you go on break?"

"You got it." He said to me. "How about we do that in an hour?"

"Sure, I think I can manage." I say smiling at him as I headed down the hall with another chart in my hands.

Well I would have had coffee with him in an hour if we hadn't been hit hard with patients and trauma's there for a good sold four hours. I finally managed to find my way back to the admit desk with out having another chart throw at me, or being called into another room. I sighed now as I looked at the board, there seemed to be a soft lull in the action. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Doug making his way back towards the admit desk as well.

"Okay we are definitely going for coffee now." He said as he reached for my arm.

"You don't have to say coffee twice." I smile softly at him now, "I sure could use it, I think I'm running on empty right now."

"You and me both," he said as we walked out the ambulance bay doors and over towards Ivan's.

Nothing is said between the two of us and Doug buys the coffee this trip. I would get it the next time that we went, if given the chance. I think that he knew that as a med student I was strapped for cash. He smiled at me as he handed it to me and we walked back over sitting on the bench outside the ER. I reached down into my lab coat pulling out smokes. It was a habit that I had long been trying to get rid of but never had managed to kick.

"You know if that doesn't kill you I will for doing it." I hear him say to me.

"I think I'll take my chances with it killing me." I say back. "I'm working on stopping really I am, but you know we all have our vices."

"Excuses, that's all that is." He said looking at me.

"Yeah I know but," my voice trailed off a little now my eyes panning the parking lot, "you're right no more excuses." I don't light it but rather put it back in my lab coat for now. I would refrain from doing that in his presence.

"That's better." He said to me, "besides I want you around for a long time that will shorten your life span."

"I'll still outlive you." I joked now not wanting there to be any tension between us. We had started with a lot of tension between us and I had grown accustomed to the joking that went on now that we were used to each other and were getting a friendship thing going.

"So," I hear him say as I see the coffee cup go up to his mouth, there was a pause there shortly, "no word from David?"

"No," I say looking over at him, "I don't know if he was waiting to hear from me or if there's something more to it. Maybe he's gotten the hint that I'm not giving in to his pleas."

"Maybe, you haven't called him then?"

"Nope," I reply sipping now from my cup. "I don't think I will anytime soon either. As much as I want to believe that he's changed something inside me doesn't want to believe it, to be pulled in again to have the hurt. It took me a long time to get to where I am now, and that's where I want to stay for now. I'm happy Doug."

I feel him patting my leg before I hear him say anything else. "That's all you can ask for right now. You've worked hard Erica; you deserve to be happy right now. In a few weeks all your hard work will pay off and you will graduate."

"I know and I am really looking forward to the last eight years of my life accumulating to something." I say, "I have worked hard for this, fought an uphill battle all the way and you know what I'm a good doctor, or have the ability to be a good one."

"You're good at it." He said to me know as he stood up, "speaking of being a doctor, we have patients to see. Coffee break is over."

I got up and followed him inside to finish the rest of the shift, this feeling in the back of my mind now that something was going to happen and it was going to happen so. I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but something definitely felt like it was going to happen.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8: Making the grade**_

Time had flown by, graduation was today and then later I would find out about the match. I wanted to match at County now for some reason. I think it was because it felt like home. I had grown attached to the doctors that worked in the ER. We'd just have to wait and see. I didn't have any family to invite really to graduation, but Doug insisted that he would be there.

I arrived at the campus and headed over to where the graduation ceremony was going to take place. It was actually a beautiful day, something you would really like to have for an occasion such as this. Most of the day was kind of a blur. Not feeling real yet as I sat thru the speeches that were given. Names started being called as we filled thru the line to receive our diplomas and become doctors.

As my name was called and I walked across it didn't shock me to see not only Doug standing out there, but also Abby and Susan there too. I had to smile seeing them standing there clapping like there was no tomorrow. Susan let out an ear-splitting whistle as I shook the hand of the Dean taking my place now no longer a medical student but a doctor.

After it was all said and done, I made my way over to where they were standing. I had a smile on my face now that I never thought would go away.

"Congrats there kiddo you did it." Doug said smiling at me.

"Thanks." I said beaming with pride of my new accomplishment.

"We are all proud of you, Dr. Ross." I hear Abby say as I am pulled into a hug by Susan.

"Yes you are now a doctor, Doctor Ross." I hear Susan say as she lets go of me.

"We need to celebrate tonight." Doug said still smiling, "how about we meet at Banana Joe's for drinks."

I smile at him, I couldn't help it, "yeah that sounds like a plan to me. But I am going to have to call it a short night since I have to work tomorrow."

"Sure that's not a problem." I hear Doug say, "I'm proud of you."

I smile back at him now, "well that's good to know."

I feel him pulling me away from the rest of the group. When we were a little ways away from everyone, I looked up at him. "What's this about?"

"I wanted to give you something." He said to me holding out a box.

I smiled now even bigger, "you didn't have to Doug." I said as I took the box from him and opened it up, unsure of what it was that he had wanted to give me.

"I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to. You worked hard for this and someone needed to recognize it." He was looking at me now, "you might not be married to my son for much longer but you are still family. I've gotten kind of used to the idea that my daughter-in-law was in med school and that she was graduating." I could see small tears in his eyes, "and well you have kind of grown on me. You're family whether you want to be or not."

I couldn't help but have small tears well up in my eyes now too, "you might think of me as family but for some reason I get the feeling that if I start calling you Dad, you will wig out on me."

"As long as you don't do it in front of new med student," he said, "I won't wig out on you.

I opened the box now and started to cry a little more as I pulled out a white lab coat from the box, "oh wow you shouldn't have, you really shouldn't have." I said as I held onto it, my fingers tracing over the lettering on it. "Thank you." I threw my arms around his neck and hugged onto him.

"You're welcome." He said to me as he returned my hug.

I pulled back still in awe of everything. It was almost overwhelming now as the full realization set in. I was a doctor. I had made the grade and graduated no longer a student who would be under the supervision of a resident all the time, but now a doctor who was going to have to stand on her own two feet.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Chapter 9: Unexpected Visit**_

I arrived at County the following day to start work there as a doctor. Word had come down that I had matched at County. I was happy about that. I wouldn't have to go and try to find my way around a new hospital and I could stay in Chicago too.

"Good morning Jerry," I said smiling as I looked over the board.

"Well hello to you to there Dr. Ross." He said smiling at me.

"Thanks Jerry." I just stood there in my new lab coat staring at the board for a few more minutes before starting into the charts that were in the rack. The morning flew by before I knew it, it was after lunchtime already and I headed into the lounge. A few charts that needed finished tucked under my arm as I sat down writing on them while sipping coffee.

I looked up to see Doug coming into the lounge, "don't you take any days off?"

"Nice to see you too," he replied back to me, "and the answer is yes I do, tomorrow is one of them."

"Must be nice for you," I reply smiling.

"I did my time as a resident thank you." He batted back at me.

"Yeah was that right after the stone age or during." I joked.

"Ha, ha," he gave me a fake laugh, "you are so funny."

"I try to be." I say with a smile on my face.

"Don't quit your day job." He said back to me now as he got himself a cup of coffee. "What time you off today?"

"I'm working until 5." I said not taking the time to look up from my chart. I had two more to do and then I could go and grab some real coffee the stuff in the lounge was like mud.

"You're off early today." I hear him say as he took a chair across from me.

"Well yeah but then I was in here early. I've been on since 5 this morning."

"Could be worse, you could have vampire hours." He said looking at me.

I actually looked up this time, "I have those next week thank you very much."

"Well someone has to work them." He grinned at me now, "and hate to say this, but it's better you than me."

"Oh but see, I'm just a resident now, and there has to be an attending on during those vampire hours." I jest with him, "better be careful or it might just end up being you."

"Not next week it's not." He said with a smile now.

I finish up the last chart that was in front of me, "glad to hear it." I say back to him, "I'm going to get some coffee and fresh air before going back to the grind." I turn to walk out of the lounge now, "I'll talk to you later."

I made my way out of the hospital and across the street getting my coffee before heading back and taking a place on the bench outside the ER. I lit up since I had left Doug inside, my eyes drifting across the ambulance bay not looking for anything particular, mostly wishing that nothing serious came in while I was sitting there. I leaned back against the cold concrete closing my eyes for just a second savoring just sitting there.

"I had a feeling I would find you here."

My eyes flew open hearing that voice, the one voice that I thought I would never have to hear in person again, there David was standing in front of me. "What in bloody blazes are you doing here?"

"Well that's not the welcome I was expecting but it will do." He said to me.

"Well if you were expecting a warm welcome that's not happening in this lifetime." I said looking away from him, "you are not welcome here, or anywhere that I might be."

"Come on Erica." He said sitting down next to me.

I immediately stood up, "no there is no second chances. I don't have three strikes you're out policy David."

"I want to reconcile." He said rather flatly to me now.

"Not going to happen." I respond to him, "I'm in the middle of a shift right now and I can't sit out here and discuss this with you. Might I recommend that you put your ass back on a plane to Kentucky where you belong!"

"I'm not doing that." He said standing up almost towering over me at this point. He put his hands on my shoulders as if to hold me there and make me listen to what he had to say. "I want to prove to you that I have changed and that we can make this work."

"We, there's no we David anymore, you might want to make it work, but I've gotten past that. I don't want to try to make it work." I tried now to pull away from him.

His grip on me was firm, "would you please just take the time to listen to me, I have given you space and support and this is how you want it to end, with us not talking, with you running away never returning my phone calls."

"I didn't return your phone calls for a reason." I said pushing his hands off me now. "What part of divorce do you not understand?"

"We aren't divorced yet." was his simple reply.

"Technicality, that's all." I say to him as I am turning away. "Forget what ever romantic notion you have about this and us. I will not be forced to do this again; I let you stomp all over my heart once I will not be put in that position again."

"Erica, I'm sorry for that, I am truly sorry that I hurt you like that, I would never do that to you again."

"As much as I would like to believe that, and you keep saying it forcing me to hear it, we as a couple are done. You are trying to resurrect a marriage that has gone past the point of salvageable." I wished he would get the point.

"Are you saying then that you don't love me anymore?" He asked.

I knew I was lying to him by saying what I was going to say, but I had made a clean break in leaving and I wasn't going to give him the slightest idea that he stood any chance in bringing us back together. I had made my peace and just wanted to move on. "I don't David. I don't love you anymore."

Saying that to him hurt, but I knew that if I didn't that I would be leading him on, it wasn't that I didn't love him anymore, but that I didn't love him the way that I had when we first got married. Those feelings were long buried and I didn't want to spend the time to dig them out only to be burned again by him.

I noticed that he couldn't look me in the eyes right now. Not that I blamed him, the time for blame had come and gone and now we needed to move on from this, not that for either of us, was it going to be easy. We had given each other several years of our lives.

"I see," was all I could barely hear him say. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I looked at him unsure of what to say. I could feel my pager now softly vibrating against my hip where it was tucked into my scrubs. I knew I needed to go. "I have to go," I said looking up at him, "I am needed inside." I pulled the pager up to look at it.

"You always have something Erica." He said now turning his back away. "There's nothing new there. You couldn't make time for me when you were a medical student and now you can't make time for me as an intern."

"Okay David that is not fair." I said looking at the pager rather than at him now.

"Dr. Ross." I heard a voice calling me, "get in here. You're patient is coding!" I look over and see that Doug yelling at me.

"I'm on my way." I yell back, "David if you insist on trying to talk to me you have to do it on my schedule not yours. I don't control patients and their problems." I am almost running now for the front door.

I pushed my way back to my patient trying to get them stabilized. This was not how I had wanted my day to go and I really didn't want my first day as an official doctor to end with my patient dying. Finally, after several attempts and help from the other doctor I was able to get him back and into a normal rhythm again and shipped off to the cardiac floor to be their problem not mine.

"Thanks." I said to Doug as I snapped off my gloves.

"You did most of the work, I just gave you that extra bit of guidance that you needed nothing special there." I heard him say.

"Well that's still debatable. It would have sucked to lose a patient on my first day as a doc." I said looking out over the waiting room, "ah hell." I said as my eyes caught David sitting out there waiting for me to talk to him. I look around seeing that most of the patients in there were being taken care of and I only had two more on the board. There was only about 20 minutes left on my shift now as it was. "Can you cover the rest of my shift?"

"Well that's a first." Doug said to me, "I suppose I can. There's not much going on."

"Thanks Doug." I said looking back out over the waiting room where I knew his son was sitting.

"What has come up?" He asked, his hand resting on my shoulder as if he could sense that something had me riled up enough to ask him to cover for me. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No," I say softly, "I think I have it all under control."

"You have my number if you need anything." He said touching my shoulder.

"Yeah I know." I reply as my eyes meet with David's now and he's looking directly at me. "I'll be okay." I walked into the lounge and grabbed my stuff before heading out to where he was sitting, "okay you want to talk we can talk." I say rather coldly, "I hope you know that I had to get my shift covered, so don't you dare say that I don't make time for you."

"Oh and I'm sure your doctor boyfriend there minded covering so much." He said snottily to me.

"That's not my boyfriend." I snapped now, that comment pissed me off.

"You were mighty friendly with him for him to just be a colleague."

"Now wait just a bloody minute." I said standing firmly in front of him, "you have no idea what you are saying or who you are saying it about."

"Does it really matter?" He asked me.

"To me it does, and you will feel like such an idiot for making that assumption." I say to him now as I look back over my shoulder to see Doug keeping an eye on me, as if he was watching a child. "I am not like you, there is no other person in my life, and I am not seeing anyone. I have been up here busting my ass to get thru medical school."

"Oh Erica, Erica, Erica," He said shaking his head, "after seeing that, I doubt that you have been all alone up here."

"Oh," I was getting extremely mad at him and I was trying to keep my temper under control as I grabbed him pulling him out of the ER. I had gotten into one fight with him on the phone in there and I wasn't going to have a drag out fight with him yelling and screaming in the place that I would actually be spending more time in. Once we got out into the ambulance bay, I turned to him facing him before laying into him. "Don't you dare, don't you dare turn this onto me. I have not been the one that has been unfaithful, I am not the one who was sleeping around, and you are the one who did that. You are the reason that we are no longer married not me!"

I realized that now here I was yelling at him, venting the anger that I should have vented a long time ago. He was silent for a minute as I watched him look at me, almost surprised that such anger could come out of me, but right now, I was more livid with him than I had been in a long time.

"I'm not tuning anything onto you."

Ice would have come spewing from me at that moment in time if it had been humanly possible. Any warmth or hint of tenderness that I had felt towards him or for him melted away. "Yes you are." I am animated now by the movements of my hands as I talk, pointing back towards that admit desk, "You are accusing me of doing what you did to me." My voice was colder than any wind in Chicago could have ever blown, my southern accent thick as I spoke now, "I never did that to you, that is the one thing that I never would do to anyone and you off all people should know that. But since you seem to have forgotten it, you don't know me, who I am anymore; I see no reason to continue this conversation with you."

There coming from the ambulance bay doors was Doug. He was looking at me rather intensely as I angrily fought with David. My voice not soft and gentle as it was with patients, but loud and full of the hurt and anger that I felt for this man.

David's hand shot out again once more for my shoulder as I fought to brush it away.

"I do know you," his voice was much softer, gentler than mine was, he seemed to have some new found patients that I didn't know about, or had never bothered to look for him.

"No," I said pulling back a few step, "I wish you would just go away."

My eyes now are still on Doug who looks extremely concerned. I'm sure that my body language is now giving him alarm with the way that I am standing and acting. I see him taking a few steps forward as I start to panic almost. If he came over to where we were father and son would meet for the first time in over 2 decades and I didn't want to be the one that brought them together. Or be standing there when the fall out occurred. I had enough trouble in my life with out adding this on top of it.

I put my hand up as if that would stop him, trying to let Doug know that I had it all under control. I might now have had it completely under control but enough that I didn't need rescued. This would end like all the other confrontations that we had had, in the end I would walk away from him to end the argument.

My eyes shift from David to Doug, back to David, who has appeared now to notice my shiftiness.

"What, your "colleague" coming to rescue you?" He said, "Does he not know that you're my wife and I'm the last person you need rescued from. Or did you forget to mention that during you little trysts?"

"You are an ass David." I said watching Doug walking closer now, my stomach almost turning. As I watch Doug now almost standing now more than a few feet from me.

"Dr. Ross, is everything alright?" I hear him ask.

"Yes," I say looking at him, "am I needed inside?" I ask almost as if that would be an excuse for me to leave this situation.

"We have a trauma coming in 5 minutes out." I hear him reply to me.

I nod in response now; my one way out of this had come. "I'm sorry David but I'm needed now inside. Trauma coming in and they will need another set of hands."

He grabbed my arm again as if that would stop me from leaving, "we need to finish this Erica."

Doug's eyes never left me as I looked up at him, "right now I'm needed David, I'm a doctor that's what I do, trauma's come in and I fix people."

"Then fix this." He said to me.

I watch Doug take two more steps closer to us; I'm on pins and needles now wondering how this is going to turn out.

"Dr. Ross."

I looked up at Doug, "yes, I heard you Doug." I say, "This is my husband," I say with a shaky voice. I looked at David now, "David this is my attending, Dr. Doug Ross."

The look on David's face as those words left my mouth was one of complete and total shock as well as almost disbelieve. I look now at the two men standing there in front of me. Unsure of where this was going to go, or what their actually reactions to each other were going to be.


	10. Chapter 10: Father's and Son's

A/N: Sorry for all the time between updates, please don't take away my cookie. I had been on an extended vacation and had no access to the net. No promises here but I will try and update more frequently as long as people are reading it. If you like please let me know! And thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed, it's appreciated!

_**Chapter 10: Father's and Son's**_

There was an unbearable tension in the bay right now as they stared each other down. Sizing the other one up, it was almost as if they didn't believe what they were seeing. I wanted to run over to the garbage can that was there and throw up. I knew it was just my nerves but it was still trying me in knots watching them. Neither of them seemed to want to say anything to the other one, or want to be the first one to speak.

I stood there frozen in time, watching and waiting. It felt now like time had completely stood still as they continued to just stare at each other.

"Okay," I said looking at them, "I'm not needed here anymore." I wanted to excuse myself from the awkwardness that I was feeling standing there almost as if I was intruding on something.

"No stay." I finally hear David speak now. "I have nothing to say to him."

I could have sworn that in that instant in time that I saw a flash of hurt in Doug's eyes hearing those words come from David. I didn't know what to do to change the way that David felt towards the man who was his father, nor did I know if I should be the one to try to change anything. "David, give him a chance."

"I think that you need to stay out of it." David said now his attention turned completely towards me, he was starting now to back away from both of us as if what I had said to him cut him, "don't you tell me to give that man a chance."

I inched closer to him, trying to close the gap that was between us as I put my hands up on his shoulder now trying to find a small way to connect with him with out putting myself to close emotionally to him, "David, please there's a lot that you don't know about him. There's a lot that you don't know because Dana twisted the story to fit what she wanted."

He pulled away from me now. Once again, I watched him start to back away from me, away from the situation that we had found ourselves in. "Don't Erica." He said taking a few steps back, "I can't believe that you would befriend him, let him into your life after everything you know I have been thru."

"David," my voice and demeanor had changed since our argument had ended, "you can't blame him for what she did." I say trying to be soft and compassionate with him now, "you can't blame him for what you did. You are a grown man and you make your own decisions, you make your own fate. Who I am friends with, who I work with, none of this is going to change what's going on between you and me. I'm not taking sides here, you are, you were rather my husband, but he's a coworker who has been patient and a good teacher, a mentor for me, taken me under his wing and shown me the ropes here. He's listened to me."

It was almost as if I was now talking to a wall. He continued now taking slow steps away from me. "Forget it Erica."

There was silence from Doug now; I thought that he might have wanted to say something. Maybe I was hoping that he would try and explain why he had done what he had done. Try and get David to see the other side of the story. My eyes quickly look at him. It was as if he was shocked and dumbfounded.

"Wait a minute." I found myself once again grabbing now at him, "you have been yelling at me, chasing me around telling me to talk to you, now here that I have made time and bent over backwards to make that time for you, you are walking away. And why is that? Because I have become friends with your father, a man that you haven't seen in what 20 some years. And you won't give him the time of day because of what Dana said about him, yet you wrote me telling me that you have changed and that you told me that he was a good man. Where did that go?" I was bombarding him with questions now, "what would grams say about this? That you came all the way up here to talk to me, you saw her son but yet you didn't have the courage to talk to him?"

"Stop it Erica, you are wasting your time and mine right now." He turned now looking at Doug, "I'm sorry but right now I don't want to get to know my father." He was looking him in the eyes right now. "It's been too long, too much done and said and I don't have to listen to him, or to you."

I finally hear words come from Doug as I quickly again turn my head to watch him speak.

"Erica let him go, if he doesn't want to talk to me, or see me that's his choice." Doug says with a soft voice, you can tell that he's been hurt by this as much as the rest of us.

I try to will myself to respect what the two men want but there's something inside me that doesn't want to see it go this route. Something is screaming at me that this two need each other, family was important and that's what these two were in a way. Time apart, distance doesn't change family. "You don't get to choose the family that you are born into. You can't change the past, but you can attempt to make amends for what has happened." I am desperate now with the two men as my eyes shoot from the father to the son. "Family David, it's all we have in this world to keep us from being alone. That man for better or worse is your family. You can't just turn your back and pretend that he's not."

"Watch me." I hear him say.

"This is the one thing that if you do David, I can promise you that in the end you will end up regretting it. No one wants to be alone, to spend their lives wishing that things had been different." I find myself clinging to his arm now, wishing that I had the man that I had married in front of me, not the shell of a person that was there with me.

"I can regret something that I never knew." His voice had turned cold as he spoke to me, his eyes diverted away from me now and he wasn't even looking at Doug. I don't think that even if he had wanted to that he would have been able to make eye contact with him.

"It's right here." I say. "It's right there." I find myself pointing now in Doug's direction. "Don't turn your back on this, what happened to the man I knew who had wanted to meet him. The man who had all those questions saved wishing that he could have five minutes with his dad to ask him. You have that now, maybe even more than five minutes to ask him all those questions to get the answers that you wanted. All you would have to do is talk to him." I feel as if I am pleading a case for a man who was being convicted of murder caught with the weapon in his hand.

"That was a foolish dream of mine." He said, "I don't want that. His excuses or explanations I don't need them anymore. I came here to talk to you, not to him."

"I know what it's like David to grow up with out a father." I say as I put my hand under his chin to get him to look me in the eyes, "you know that. Your father is right there. You still have a chance to get to know him, to have a connection. Don't waste that David."

With that said to him, I watched him turn his back to me and start to walk across the bay towards the parking lot, "you know where I am if you change your mind, if I don't hear from you by the end of the week, I will send the papers to your lawyer."

I watch him now reach the car that he must have rented at the airport and watch him climb into it with out saying another word to me. I turn to look at Doug, his head hung low. You can see the defeat and the sadness in his eyes. I debate for a minute about going after David to get him to change his mind.

"You tried that's all anyone can do." I hear him say in a soft voice as he turns away from me and heads back inside the hospital.

I know what I have to do; I just hope that I have the time, the strength and the will to do it. I wasn't going to let it all end like this. I might have been willing to let my marriage go down in flames but I couldn't let this suffer the same fate. I couldn't watch them both hurt like this; it was almost too much for me to bear.


	11. Chapter 11: Expect the Unexpected

_A/N: Okay I know that this chapter is long and probably a little boring, but it's a part of the story that eventually is going to all make sense as to why I wrote this part. Please as always review. I love the feedback! Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review. I'd thank you all by name but you know who you are._

_**Chapter 11: Expect the unexpected**_

I found myself moving in a direction that I thought I never would. My mother had always told me to expect the unexpected. Be prepared for the last thing that you would ever think could possibly happen, because in a blink of an eye that's what you would be dealing with. I had to be nuts to be doing this, but then maybe somewhere inside I actually was. As I hailed the cab, I knew that I was, why else would I be doing this. Love made people do crazy things that much I knew was certain, but what bothered me about doing this was that I had convinced myself over time that I was no longer in love. Maybe that was the problem, that no matter how hard I had worked to convince myself that, my heart hadn't listened to my brain.

From the back of the cab, I kept urging the driver to drive faster. I needed to beat that plane, I needed to get there before he boarded the plane, hell I needed to get there before he crossed thru security and was in the boarding area or I would never get to him. I was grasping for straw here now. And I think that even though I didn't want to admit that to myself I thought that I seriously had a chance to get there before he did. He hadn't left that much before I had, and he needed to return a rental car. I was bombarding my poor brain with more questions than I had answers for and I wasn't sure if I was willing to run all the way to Kentucky to try and convince David he was making a mistake. I might have been the one who was making the mistake. Was this a mistake that I was willing to make? I needed to be sure I could answer that.

As the cab flew down the streets of Chicago, I found myself pondering that question. Surely, I had to be willing to make the mistake if I had been willing to get into a cab and fly across the city in chase of a man bent on getting onto a plane and going home. He had seemed so determined to talk to me, to try to convince me that I shouldn't give up on our marriage yet at the brief sight of Doug had been willing to forgo any of that to get away from his dad. There was something there that I had to have been missing, just as to what that was I found myself completely clueless but I needed to know what it was. There was something driving me to find the answer to that. To maybe repair, what now seemed to be a well-broken father/son relationship even though that wasn't my place?

The cab stopped in front of Midway and I quickly paid the cab driver. The brief thought of now having to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the next three months going thru my head if I didn't catch him before he got thru security and up to the boarding area was what I was going to be doing because I would be finding myself a seat on that plane. Not that I could really afford the two-hundred seventy-five dollar plane ticket to get me there and back but if that's what I had to do, I would find the way to do it. It just meant that I would once again be making sacrifices for him.

I started to search the airport looking around the ticket windows to see if he was there. Knowing him, he would be on a continental flight. I am becoming frantic, as there is no sign of him anywhere. Yet I keep looking and scan the departure flights to see if there is a flight listed for him to take. Nothing is departing for Lexington for another 2 hours. I return to the ticket counters searching the lines again not seeing him or anyone that even looks remotely like him. Maybe he was still at the rental car place. I debate on whether I should look there see if the car in my husband's name will still rented. I walk down the area with the ticket counters again thinking that maybe I just might have missed seeing him that he really was standing there but in my franticness just missed him that he had blended in too well with the crowd.

One more trip up and down and there was still no sign of him so I put myself into line. Sighing as I start to move thru, knowing that I have no clothes, no bags, I am still in my scrubs from work. How many people traveled like that find me asking? Twenty minutes later, I have a ticket in my hands and I am heading thru security, which of course with everything in my lab coat pockets and not thinking about it, I manage to set the metal detector off. That of course was just my luck. I willingly let them do the search knowing that they aren't going to find anything that I shouldn't be caring given my profession. I could have done with out that though. I make my way up finally to the boarding gate for the flight to Kentucky and I find a place where I can see the entire area my eyes scanning for him with out any sign of the man anywhere.

Time seems to be ticking by faster than I wanted it to, but then I guess I was going to be making a small trip to Kentucky. Please just don't let me get fired or suspended or what ever they do to interns over this one. I just prayed that if something did happen that this might constitute a family emergency. But then I was by now willing to risk just about everything that I owned to get this right.

I heard the boarding call for the flight. At least I still had keys to the house and clothes there. When I moved to Chicago, I hadn't taken everything with me, although with the luck that I was having today, David had probably given it all away or thrown out what I had left behind. I walk down the isle of the plane finding my seat and sitting down. I fasten the seatbelt around my waist and wait now. It will take three hours to get to Lexington via plane. What I am going to do for three hours now is beyond me, I do have my laptop in my bag that I have brought with me. So at least I can sit there and play games or write out what I might say to him before I find him. If I manage to find him, no I knew I was going to find him, he would be returning to Kentucky he had said that. That would be the only place that I would know to find him, since he had no one in Chicago that he knew.

I laid back against the seat closing my eyes not that I was tired but just to have something to do until we were up in the air, a little nap never hurt anyone. We should be up in the air now within the next fifteen minutes if all went according to schedule, but then airlines very seldom were exactly right on time. Right now, there was nothing that I could do but sit and wait.

Three hours later I find myself no longer in Chicago but in Lexington. I thought about renting a car, but didn't want to spend the money so I opted for the bus instead. I knew my way around the bus system taking it daily while I was at UK. About an hour later, I was now at what had been our house. I didn't consider it my house anymore. And as part of the divorce settlement, I was letting him keep the house. I didn't want it, partially because working and living in Chicago now it didn't do me any good. I searched and found the spare key hidden in the same spot that it always had been hidden in, luckily for me David hadn't decided to move it. I let myself in, surprised almost at how clean the house was. I headed into the kitchen and opened up the fridge expecting to find beer in there but shocked a little to find that he only had soda in it. I took one out opening it as I made my way upstairs towards our bedroom.

The bed was neatly made, almost too neatly. I crossed over to what had been my closet opening it up. There was everything that I had left behind, the clothes all folded and left where I had left them, shoes on the floor in the back of the closet. I shook my head wondering why he had left it all the way I had. He must have honestly thought that I would be coming back eventually. I pulled out some of my clothes to wear so that I could get out of my scrubs. I laid my lab coat on the bed as I headed for the bathroom. I figured that I might as well take a shower, after all this was still partially my house.

I let the hot water run over my body easing any aches that I had from the day before climbing out and drying off. I moved from the bathroom back into the bedroom now a towel wrapped around my hair, slippers on my feet as I slowly padded along.

"You came home." I hear a voice say from the bed.

It startles me and I jump letting out a scream. "Shit David." I say as I realize whose voice it was, "you scared me half to death."

"Not the first time." He says giving me a smile.

"You are a hard man to find at times you know that." I said now as I laid my scrubs down on the bed and sat down next to him. It felt awkward to be sitting there with him right now but I tried to play it off as if it didn't matter that much to me right now.

"I can be when I want to be, why did you come back to Lexington baby?"

I look up at him. "You left before we had a chance to talk." I say simply.

"You didn't want to talk." He said looking down away from me now. "You have a life in Chicago and I'm not a part of it anymore."

"That's not completely true David." I say trying not to alienate him right now, I wanted to keep us talking, keep the conversation going, not to mention I didn't want to have to leave there with a towel on my head.

"Are you trying to convince me or are you trying to convince yourself?"

"I don't need convincing." I say, "and from the way things are here it looks as if you have expected me to come home for a long time."

"I might have been wishing for that, but I also know that you are not here to stay." He said not taking his eyes off the floor.

"No I can't stay this time." I say being honest with him. "You know that I can't. I just started my residency and I have to go back to Chicago to finish it. You know it's not because of you, it's because that's what I want to do, it's what I've wanted to do for a long time. My being in Chicago has nothing to do with what's been going on between you and me. That's where I was accepted and where I went to finish school. I am working at a good hospital with good people."

"Most of them are good people." He says back to me.

"No all of them are good people, even your dad."

"Did you come back here just to talk to me about walking away from him, or do you have other hidden agendas?"

"David, I don't have an agenda." I say, "I came back here because you and I needed to talk. There's no other reason."

"You can see now that I have changed."

"I never said that you hadn't." I find myself saying to him, knowing that even I didn't completely believe that one, "but I am glad that you have, but I wish that you would have done it for you and not for me."

"I didn't do it for you."

"Yes you did David." I say to him softly, "you thought that if you could change everything that you thought I didn't like I would come back home to you."

"I wish you would."

"I know you wish I would, and I know that you want me too, but David I can't just simply forget what you did." I say looking down at the floor, "it hurt more than anything else ever has. I trusted you." I wished that I could find the right words now for what I needed to say, "Just like what Doug did hurt you, you can't forgive him for that pain." I look up now at him, "that's how I feel right now."

"You honestly can't compare the pain that I feel from being abandoned by my dad to us."

"Oh David," I say my hand now resting on his leg. "You are missing the point in that." I say looking down again. "It's not the same on all levels but it is on others. You can't forgive him because he cut you to the bone. I can't forgive you because you cut me the same way. Even though you have changed it still hurt to see you the way that I did."

"I'm trying to show you that I am sorry for that. To make up for what I did to you can't you see that?"

"David I do see it." I keep my voice soft now as I try to explain this to him the best that I can, "but see I at least gave you the chance to explain yourself before leaving. You didn't give Doug that chance."

"Stop talking about my dad Erica."

I sigh now again, "David that's the entire reason I am here. Well not the entire reason but that's a large part of the reason I am here. If this wasn't important or I felt that it was important to you think that I would eat peanut butter and jelly for the next three months to fly all the way down here to try and talk you out of making a mistake."

"It's my mistake to make."

"You're right it is, but I am still your wife and no matter what I said earlier today I do still care." I find myself saying. "I am always going to care David about what happens to you."

"That's nice to know Erica, you care but you don't love me anymore." He got up off the bed and left the room for a few minutes before returning. "Here you don't have to care anymore." He threw a manila envelop at me.

"What's this?" I ask.

"Like you have to ask Erica, that's the freedom from me that you wanted you are a free woman now. I signed your damn divorce papers and won't contest it." He said looking away from me.

I looked down at them and then back up at him. He was now standing in front of our bedroom window looking out it. I didn't know what to say about it right now. This is what I had wanted but right now, it didn't seem like much of a victory anymore. I sat on the bed silent. Unsure of what to do, I found words coming out of my mouth before I had much time to think about what I was saying. "Is this what you really want, or did you sign them because it was what I wanted? Are you really willing to call it quits?"

"Baby what I want doesn't matter anymore, it's clear to me that you are not happy married to me anymore, and I can't blame you for that." He said his eyes still staring out the window.

I start to cry now. I have no idea why I am crying, this is what I had wanted. Yet now that I had them, the realization that it was over started to hit me. Everything that we had worked for so long and so hard for would no longer exist.

"Why are you crying now?" His voice was colder than it had ever been with me.

I sat there, the tears not slowing down any. I couldn't explain why I was crying, I had no explanation for the tears that were flowing down my cheeks. I felt like I was drowning in turmoil of emotions. "It hurts baby, it really hurts. I thought that this is what I wanted I really did but now that it's real I don't know."

"Erica," he said moving to where he was kneeling now in front of me. "I just want you to be happy that's all I want, and if that's not with me, then you deserve to find someone who can make you happy."

"I don't know what to say, or how to react." I say, "I thought that this would make me happy but it's not. It makes me sad, sadder than I have been in a long time." The tears are still flowing down my face as I look into his eyes. The eyes that once only looked at me and only me. I was searching to see if there was any hint of feeling left in them for me, searching for remorse in them.

I feel his hand brush my cheek, "don't cry baby." I hear him say, "please don't cry, I can't stand to see you hurting. It breaks my heart to see you hurting, it always has and it always will."

I pull away from him as he said that to me. I didn't want to believe that, knowing what he had done to me. My eyes are now locked on him as I am searching for the right words, something to say that would convey the way that I am feeling, but I can't find them this time. I cross over to the closet and grab a bag that is laying in there as I start to shove the clothes that I had left in his closet into it. When everything that I thought I might need or want was in there I threw it over my shoulder crossed back out over to the bed placing the scrubs I had worn inside of it.

"Do me a favor would you?" I find myself saying.

"What else could you want from me?"

"What I want from you is actually quite simple." I say. "I want you to take the time to call Doug. Give me this one last thing. Not for me, but do it for yourself. I'm not asking this to punish you or to make you do something horrible. I am asking this cause I honestly believe that it's the right thing for you to do."

"And what if I can't do that?"

"Then just know that you are missing out on knowing a good man." I simply say, "and that will be your loss and something that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. That's not something that I am going to have to live with anymore I will be in Chicago. David I have never asked you to do anything that I thought would in the long run hurt you. I have been patient and understanding with you, given you everything that I could. I'm not asking this for me, but for you but it's your choice. You do what you feel you need to do." I picked up a piece of paper and wrote down Doug's phone number. "If you can't do this then you can't, and I am not going to force you to do this."

I gather up my things knowing that this is going to be my last time in this house, after today I will have no reason to return. David is silent as I hand him the key that I used to get into the house now.

"Erica."

I don't look at him, I can't. I am afraid that if I do I will start crying again and emotionally I can't do that again. I sigh softly now as my back is to him. "Goodbye David." I say softly, pushing all emotion from my voice, hoping that this will be a clean break for both of us. I stop in the doorway leaning against the frame for a minute, "take care of yourself and think about what I asked. I don't hate you, don't think that, and please don't think that I hate you. Right now, I just can't be married to you." With those words spoken, not waiting for a reply from him I walked out as I started to make my way back to the airport to catch a flight to Chicago. Going on with my life was going to be difficult, but I knew that I was making a step in the right direction, the ball was now in his court, the decision that needed to be made was his, and I promised myself right then and there that I was not going to interfere this time.


	12. Chapter 12: What a difference a day make...

A/N: Okay here's the next installment of In A stranger's eyes. I want to take two seconds to thank my cheerleader, crazy little witch, for the encouragement and cookies, which have kept this story going.

_**Chapter 12: What a difference a day makes**_

I awoke in my drab small apartment, far from my home in Kentucky. I had convinced myself that I wouldn't miss my life, or rather that part of my life. I was just another chapter that had ended as everything else that I had done had. But for some reason that morning, I felt almost lonely. I tried to shrug it off as the alarm by my bedside start to blare its morning wake up call at me.

I showered and dressed, but rather this time in the green scrubs that I had become accustomed to I actually threw on a pair of dress pants and a blouse. I pulled my hair back so that it was up off my shoulders and out of my face. Locking up my apartment, I headed for County.

The weather had started to turn cold as I dashed into the lounge. I threw my things into my locker as I pulled on the white lab coat. I had to smile seeing that this is where all my hard work had landed me. Granted this was a county hospital, but out of all the places, that I could have gone this seemed the most logical. I had trained here and I was familiar with the environment.

I grabbed a chart from the rack and got ready to start in, giving the board a glance to see who was there. Today was the first day that I wouldn't be working with a resident looking over my shoulder double-checking to make sure that I didn't make any mistakes. It was scary yet exciting at the same time.

"Erica." I hear a voice call at me.

I turned around towards the voice, "yes Dr. Weaver."

"Your med student is waiting for you in the lounge."

I wasn't sure how I missed some stranger sitting in the lounge, but then I really wasn't looking for anyone when I was in there. "Yes." I say turning now to head back the direction from which I had come. Oh, man all the excitement that I had been feeling suddenly left. Oh, don't let me screw this one up.

I spent the rest of the day with a shadow following me everywhere. He had been full of questions. It seemed to be a never-ending flow of questions and by the time, the end of my shift rolled around I was about ready to strangle him. I had no idea how I was going to make it to the end of his rotation. I hoped that I wasn't that annoying when I was a med student.

I know stood in front of my locker throwing my lab coat in there, the stethoscope landing on the shelve ready for another day tomorrow.

"Long day?"

I turn to see Doug standing there in front of his locker.

"Yeah you could say that, please tell me I wasn't an extremely annoying med student who did nothing but ask questions all day long."

"Ahh, your very own scut puppy," he said laughing a little at me, "no you weren't annoying but then you had been here awhile before I had the opportunity to work with you."

"Well that's nice to know and as to my very own scut puppy I don't see that happening any time soon." I said to him. "he, well, let's just say that it's not looking promising."

Doug looked at me know, I could see him trying to stifle his laughter. "I'm sorry."

"Ah, I bet you are." I say as I reached over to poke him.

He laughed again now at me. "Oh, I am so, so sorry."

"Save that for someone who believes it." I jab back at him. "I'm out of here. My time here today is done and I have a bed that is calling my name."

"Well I'm happy that you have something to look forward to going home too."

"Ha, well it's not much but it's something. Maybe I should get a cat, maybe a dog and have something to go home to."

"David called me last night."

I stop in my tracks thinking about that one for a minute. "He did?" I asked him finding it hard to believe that maybe what I had said to David had sunk it.

"He wanted to talk I guess. Something about trying to make amends, that someone had once said to him that family was the most important thing in life."

"I see." I said looking down, "how did it go?" I was curious to know what he might have said to him.

"As well as one can hope." Doug said, "I assume that you are the one I have to thank for his change of attitude?"

"Oh no," I rock back on my heels, "I had nothing to do with that one."

"Modesty, I should have known you would."

I looked at him playing dumb now, "thought that I would have done what?"

"Talk to him. You went to Kentucky."

I am silent now, not knowing what to say. I found myself hoping that after this he wasn't mad or upset that I would have said anything to David. "He tell you that I was there?"

"Yeah he did. Said that what you said made a lot of sense to him after he had some time to think about it."

"I didn't go there to try to fix your relationship with him." I say not being able to look up. "I went there to try to talk him into my divorce. To let him know that, he leaving like that wasn't the way that I wanted it to end." I find myself trying to explain my actions to him, "honestly there for a minute, I thought that he and I would have been able to get back together. But you know I have this feeling that some people can't change no matter how badly they want to."

"Erica," I feel his hand upon my shoulder, "you can't change what he did. Just like I can't change what got David and I to this point in our lives. You didn't give up, what he did was unspeakable and unforgivable. He knows that and he understands why you did what you did."

"It doesn't make it any less painful." I say softly now.

"No I don't imagine that it does." He said, "Whether you are his wife or his ex-wife, you are always going to be a part of my family. From the first time that I met you, granted you were not the friendliest person that I know, there was something special about you. You are a hard working talented doctor that I am more than happy to call my daughter."

I gave him a small smile hearing that, "thanks there Dad." I say.

I find myself being pulled into a hug, "no how about you come over tomorrow night and have dinner with Carol, the girls and I."

"I don't know about that." I say softly. "Really you don't have to do that."

"They are your nieces and Carol is your mother-in-law." I hear him say now to me.

"Well yes and no." I say, "I'm not too sure that Carol would appreciate me calling her mom."

"Okay well you have a point there, but still you are family and I've had a long talk with Carol about this, she feels the same way that I do. In fixing things with David, and you are a part of his life, a part of my life and I want you to be a part of our family."

I am starting to get the feeling that he isn't going to take to no for an answer now. I looked up at him, part of me not wanting to give him another part of me knowing that I should after all it was just dinner what could it hurt. "Dinner okay, I will come by after my shift tomorrow night, what time?"

"Why don't we have dinner about six?" He asked

"That's fine dad," I smile at him again softly, "I'll come by about six."

I had this feeling inside that there was more to this than he was letting on, but I would go since he asked and seemed to not want to take no for an answer. I pulled my coat around me and headed for the door of the lounge now, "good night." I find myself saying to him as I leave the hospital. The cold air nipping at me as I head for home.


	13. Chapter 13: Ambush

_**Chapter 13: Ambushed**_

I finished my shift at County the following day and headed for the EL finally free of my med student and the flow of patients that had swamped County during my 12-hour shift. I sighed as I sank down into a chair on the El train. Only five more years of this and then I could be something more than just a resident could. Not that I minded it all that much, I just had an annoying little shadow that seemed to not be competent right now able to do anything on his own.

I rode the rest of the way of the way to the stop that I needed for Doug and Carol's house over in Wicker Park. I was fighting to stay awake now, the day had been long and I was tired but I had told them that I would come and I would. I felt the train stop now as I climbed off it. I walked the short distance between the station stop and the house that they lived in. It was cold outside and my hands were shaking by the time I was ready to knock on the door. I raised my hand striking the solid door; behind it was the family that was welcoming me into it, I hoped with open arms, as I really wasn't going to be a member of their family for long. I had said my goodbyes to David when I had left Kentucky and I assumed that would be the last time that I would see him. We were splitting amicable or so I hoped with all my heart, as I did not want more pain to come

from this. I did not know what to expect. Sisters that I had never met, a mother-in-law that I had only seen once or twice, it was a little nerve racking that I was here right now.

"Erica." Doug said as I watched the door swing open, "come in, come in out of the cold."

I step into the warm house. The smells coming from the kitchen are comforting. "Thanks." I say looking at him as I start to take off my coat hanging it up on the coat rack that was there. "It was nice of you to invite me."

"It's nothing Erica, don't think anything of it." I hear him say. "Why don't you come into the kitchen we will get you a cup of coffee you can warm yourself up, you look tired and cold."

I nod know as I start to follow him into the kitchen. Doug points to a chair, which I sit down in, "good evening Carol." I say giving her a smile. I was trying my best to be overly friendly with her, not wanting to make a bad impression, having this feeling that Doug had already told her much about me. Unsure of whether that would be good or bad just knowing that I had probably been a topic of several conversations between them.

"Good evening Erica," she says to me. I can see a warm smile on her face. Knowing now that whatever Doug had said must not have been too bad, either that or she was putting up the façade that I had been.

I happily take the cup of coffee that Doug has now put in front of me. As he sits down with his, own. "How was work?"

"Ah the same old same old," I say knowing that he knew what I meant. "A little hectic but nothing to out of the ordinary, several cases of colic and I could have used a good pediatrician by my side today." With that, I give him a smile.

"Well you are one aren't you?" I hear him ask me.

"Ha no," I reply. "I am far from a pediatrician. I'm just an emergency medicine resident. You dad are the pediatrician."

The look on Carol's face was warm but I know that I needed to be careful with how I addressed her. She didn't seem to keen on the idea that she was now a mother-in-law and stepmother too. Yet she still had that look of compassion on her face, as if she almost understood that we were trying to become a family and was trying to be supportive and understanding of what Doug was going thru right now.

"Well that you could change." He said looking at me.

"Oh, I have no desire to be a pediatrician I am not good with kids." I say looking at him now with a serious expression on my face.

"Now that's not true." I hear a voice say from behind me.

I turn around; there standing behind me was David. I shot a look of near hatred at Doug for this one. "David," I say forcing a smile upon my face, "how nice to see you."

"It's nice to see you too." I hear him say back to me. "Chicago is a nice city; I can see why you like it here so much."

Small talk, something that I didn't want to engage in right now, yet had no choice since I am being forced now into dinner with them. "Yes it is a nice city and I do rather like it here." I say with out warm in my voice. I am tired and not in the mood to deal with this, this wasn't on my terms it was on there. "Doug may I have a word alone with you?" It wasn't a request but more of a demand.

Doug moved to leave the room and I follow behind him into what appears to be his study as he closes the door behind us.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" I ask turning around to look him straight in the eyes.

"David came up from Kentucky this morning and we are having dinner." Doug said looking at me, "he came after I invited you."

"You ambushed me." I say to him now angrily.

"I did not." He said looking at me now trying to keep his composure with me and not get as angry as I am.

"Doug, that's what it looks like to me." I say, "Did David put you up to this?"

"No he didn't, I invited you to dinner because I wanted to spend time with you, when I invited you I had no idea he was going to be in Chicago."

"I'm so sorry but I don't believe you." I say now not looking at him, "I am sure that you knew what you were doing, some fatherly attempt to fix what has gone wrong in your son's life. After everything I told you, you still felt the need to try to fix this."

"Erica I was not trying to fix anything." Doug said to me, "it just happened, and I am not going to take sides or choose one of you over the other one."

"I am not making you choose one of us; I'm just upset that I am being forced to spend an evening with him." I say, "it was hard enough to walk away yesterday from everything and here and now I, damn it Doug I don't know if I can keep doing this."

"I'm not asking you to do anything." He said to me, "if you want to leave you are free to do so."

"Fine then that is exactly what I am going to do." I say now moving towards the door, "he is your son, I understand that, and I understand that you want to make amends with him. You need to leave me out of it; David and I have no amends to make."

"Erica what would having dinner with us hurt?" I hear him ask.

I looked at him for a minute, "what would it hurt?" I say back to him, my eyes showing him more of my soul than I wanted to, "my heart Doug, it would hurt my heart. I fought with myself to get me to be able to walk away from him. To leave a life that I thought that I wanted behind and now you are asking me to sit down and have dinner with him."

"Yeah that is what I am asking." Doug said, "I want to have my family sit down to dinner and eat like families do. Is that to much to ask."

I'm upset and angry now, both with him and with the situation that I have found myself in, "yeah that is just a little too much to ask of me right now. I don't have the will power or the patients to do this right now. I am tired I just worked 12 hours, this whole situation is too much for me to deal with, what do you want from me, cause I am seriously about to have a nervous breakdown."

"Okay that is a little melodramatic there Erica." He said looking at me, "I want you to go out there sit down at the table with my son and my daughters and eat dinner." He spun me around and pushed me out the door. He didn't take his hand off my back until we were actually at the table and there was a chair in front of me. With his hands now firmly on my shoulders he sat me down with hushed tones in my ear, "now you will be civil."

That came across to me more as an order rather than a request. But yet there was something about the authority in his voice that had my head saying, 'don't mess with the boss there.'

And so I sat there quietly not looking anyone in the eyes and trying my damnedest to be civil towards all at the table. I figured that as long as I kept my mouth shut I could cause no harm.

Doug sat down at the table next to him was David, Tess, Carol and Kate was sitting next to me. I was across from David, how convenient that every time I looked up I had to look at him. I suffered silently thru dinner and Carol excused the girls bringing coffee to the table. 'Oh no," I thought to myself, 'I am not going to sit thru coffee and small talk.' There had to be a way out of this, some small, simple yet elegant way to get out of this. "Doug, Carol, thank you for the wonderful evening but I should be getting home, I have rounds in the morning." I say, "It was a pleasure seeing you again David." Oh, it almost hurt to choke that one out but somehow I managed.

I watched Doug as he moved to get up and David's hand shoot to his shoulder, "I'll walk her out Dad." I hear him say. That was definitely not in my plans.

"I think I can manage David." I say as I moved back away from the table.

"I insist." He replies.

I let out a small incoherent growl. "If you must."

There is a small smile on Doug's face, as I am getting ready to exit the room, "I will see you tomorrow."

"Yes you will." I say as I continue on my way.

I watch David get my coat for me, as if I could not have gotten it off the coat rack myself. He holds it as I slip my arms inside the sleeves and get ready to head to back to the EL.

"It was nice to see you tonight." I hear him say.

I look up at him, "I wish I could say the same David."

"Can't we at least be friends Erica?"

"I wish that was possible David, just right now it's not okay." I say looking at him still, "I need some time, time to adjust to all of this, to get resettled before I try to be your friend."

"I don't understand why?"

"There's no way for me to explain this." I find myself saying.

"There's always an explanation for why we do what we do." He says calmly to me, as if it was all that simple.

"Sometimes there's not." I say back.

"It's because you still love me somewhere inside that cold heart of yours."

"Are you trying to pick another fight with me David?"

"No Erica, honestly this time I am not." He says touching the side of my face.

I pull back away from him a little now, not wanting to be that close, not wanting him to touch me like that. "Don't please."

"Don't what? Don't touch you; it's never bothered you before. What are you so afraid of Erica? Of me somehow getting thru those defenses you've put up around you?"

"That's exactly it David," I say looking down away from it, "you are trying to just wiggle your way back into my heart, back into my life as if nothing had ever happened."

"Do you want me to get down on my knees and beg you for forgiveness Erica? Would that help?" He says. I can see the seriousness in his eyes when I looked back up at him.

"No that would not help, don't make a fool of yourself." I found myself saying rather coldly towards him now, "just give me some time and space, is that too much to ask for from you right now?"

"I have given you those things already." He said, "Or does being two states away for four years not count."

"Not really." I say back, "during those four years you didn't give me space, you constantly called me, and you picked fights with me."

"Why can't you believe that I have seen how wrong I was?"

"Did you change for me?" I ask.

"Yes and no." I hear him say, "I changed because I wanted to. I knew what I was doing was wrong and yes, I took you leaving for me to see that. So yes I changed because I wanted to get the one person that I loved and respected back into my life, but I also did it because I didn't like the person that I had become."

I listened to what he was saying and very carefully chose my next words, "I am glad that you saw that you needed to change, but David what happened hurt and I can't just look the other way and pretend that hurt didn't happen. I am trying to believe that you have changed and see it; right now, I can't see it. It's not that I don't' want to see..." I found my words being cut off as his hands grabbed the sides of my cheeks and his lips were down on mine.

My head is spinning now, heart saying one thing my head saying a completely different. I'm shocked and caught off guard now. As much as I want to I can't pull away, my defenses are being broken down the longer that I stand there kissing him. I find myself kissing him back now, my arms moving up to wrap around his neck. I can feel his hands slipping from my face finding there way to the small of my back as he holds me close to him.

This isn't right, my head is screaming at him, don't let him back in. Yet I am not listening to that voice. I am melting into his arms, he rests his forehead against mine now just holding onto me. Then I feel him place a soft kiss against my head, "I love you." I hear him whisper into my ear.

"I know," I say, "I love you too." How could I have just said that, part of me still loved him too but the hurt was too great to let him just come waltzing back into my life after so long.

I feel his hand under my chin pulling my eyes up to look at him. "Let me come home."

"I.. uh.. I don't know about that." I say.

"I won't push you Erica. I just want to spend time with you."

I can feel my will power slipping away, I knew from the onset of all of this that was going to happen. "All right just tonight, we can talk." I say softly. His arm is around my back as he leads me over to the car that he had rented opening the door for me making sure that I have gotten in before he closes the car door and jumps in the other side. I hope that I have not just made the biggest mistake of my life.


	14. Getting past it all

_**A/N: Here's another chapter . I'll try to keep the updates coming the best that I can. Thank you to my faithful reviewer, hope you like this chapter as well as you have liked the rest.  
**_

_**  
Chapter 14: Getting past it all**_

I am almost 15 minutes late for work now running from the EL stop towards County. I should have made him drive me to work but then with traffic I would have been even later. I had a smile on my face as I ran inside with rosy cheeks. They were red from it being cold outside but from being late, as well, knowing as I did why I was late. I agreed to let David stay at the apartment, at least thru the end of the week. Any apprehensions that I had about it were long gone now. I hoped that I wasn't wrong in giving him a second chance, but then everyone deserved a second chance. He was right I needed to give him time to prove to me that he had changed.

I threw myself into work; it kept me from second-guessing my love life. Wow that felt weird to say, I hadn't had one in so long that I think I was afraid to believe that I could have one.

The days blurred together, one became two, became four, and seven. At the end of the week, I found myself not tossing him out on his ear, inviting him to stay even longer. And by the end of two, I had agreed to reconciliation.

I found a month had passed and thing seemed to still be going okay. We spent evenings over and Doug and Carol's when I wasn't working nights, and when I was, David could often by found over there. He had started to look for work in Chicago and even started talk about selling the house in Kentucky to be able to move up to Chicago again. I had found myself falling into believing him that he had changed and now everything was going to be all right, it had been a mistake on his part one that he seemed willing never to make again.

Life seemed to be going well for the most part. I came home flopping down on the sofa to see David and Doug in the kitchen. David had now been in Chicago for almost 2 months. We were getting along better than we had in ages, I dare say better than we had when we were living in Kentucky.

"Hey babe," I hear David call from the kitchen, "were getting ready to watch the bulls game, you going to watch too."

"No thanks I think I am going to pass." I say, "I have nights all next week. I need to sleep before I turn into a vampire."

"Ah the life of a resident," I hear Doug call from the kitchen.

"Yeah, don't remind me okay." I say as I pull myself up off the couch. "Don't either of you come anywhere near that bathroom I am going in and drowning myself in a tub of hot water. I just pulled 36 hours and I deserve to be left alone."

I watch David come near me now kissing my forehead gently, "oh my poor baby." He mocks me.

I give him a half-evil glance before making my way back to the bathroom and filling the tub. Nights were not my favorite to work but I would find a way to muddle thru next week if it killed me.

Five p.m. to five a.m. that's what the Chief Resident had scheduled me, said that I had been working to many days and now I needed to pull some night shifts. Some, a week, guess that was his idea of payback. Not that I hadn't worked any night, I had done a few, pulled more than one 36 hour shift in the time that David had been in Chicago. Oh well I started in on them with a smile on my face greeting those who got to see the daylight with a smile on my face as I left after my third night in a row.

I rubbed my eyes as I headed up the stairs to the apartment; I had almost fallen asleep on the train again. I let myself into the place expecting David to be either asleep on the couch or sacked out in the bedroom. I pulled the curtains shut trying to make the place as dark as I could, the sun would be coming up in about an hour and I didn't need its bright rays pulling me from my land of dreams. I walked into the bedroom trying to be quiet. I headed into the bathroom to change from my clothes into a t-shirt to sleep in when I heard voices coming from the bedroom.

"David?"

"Just a minute sweetheart," I hear him call back.

I hear the sounds of someone almost tripping. "David what are you doing?"

"Nothing Erica," I hear him answer.

"Yeah right, who are you talking to?"

"No one," He replies.

"Yeah," I say coming out of the bathroom, I do not believe that one for an instant. I knew he was talking to someone.

David turned around caught off guard that I had actually emerged from the bathroom. "Why don't you get some sleep sweetheart?"

"Why don't you tell me who you were talking to?"

"I wasn't talking to anyone." He says staying between the bedroom door, and me his actions are making me more and more suspicious.

"David Timothy Ross." I find myself saying moving closer to the door now, "who was that."

"Shh," I hear him say putting his finger to his lips. "I wasn't talking to anyone I was moving Tess."

I look down and see two sleeping children on my floor.

"Doug asked me if I would mind watching them so he could take Carol to some fund raiser last night and I told him that I didn't mind." David's eyes met mine now, "you thought that I had a woman here didn't you."

"The thought had crossed my mind." I say shrugging my shoulders. "I'm just tired." I say trying to make excuses for my behavior, my sudden abandonment of faith in him.

"There's no one here but the girls." David said leading me over to the bed now and pulling back the blanket and sheets making sure that I climbed in before pulling them over me. I felt his gentle kiss on my forehead now, "get some sleep sweetheart; I'll see that they don't disturb you when they get up."

I closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep feeling like a complete ass now. But how was I supposed to know, there were so many temptations that he could fall for in Chicago and now I was gone 12 hours a day there was ample opportunity for him to cheat with out being caught. If I wasn't there how was I going to know, my schedule was set and there was no chance of me coming home early just getting out late. But as if, he hadn't given me a reason in the past to feel the way that I did. After all, he had several women that he was seeing while he was married to me. Surely, he honestly wasn't upset with me. I felt him climb into the bed from the other side and shift his weight as he pulled the covers up around himself, not saying other word to me.

"I'm sorry." I find myself saying to him in my half-asleep state. I didn't want there to be animosity between us and I knew that this was partly my fault.

"Will you ever trust me again?" I hear him ask softly from the other side, his back still towards me now.

"I do trust you," I say with out thinking now, "I'm trying to let the past go and let it be just that the past."

"I understand." His voice was soft.

"I'm trying David really I am." I say rolling over to him my hand reaching out to touch his shoulder.

"I know you are." He said, "It just feels as if sometimes we are never going to move past any of this."

"We are." I say softly now, my stomach is starting to feel as if it's twisted in knots. I'm not sure why it feels like that now. I felt fine when I laid down.

He rolls over towards me, I feel his arms wrapping around me. "I love you." I hear him say.

I am about to answer when my stomach violently protests. I bolt from the bed running as fast as a possibly can for the bathroom. I hit my knees and empty what was left in my stomach from my last meal. I still don't feel any better as another wave washes over me. I can feel my body shudder now, as the cold from the floor is seeping up my legs.

"Baby are you okay?" I hear his familiar voice asking me

I looked up at him for just a second, still not feeling as if my body was done as if it was going to betray me again any minute now.

I feel him next to me, pulling my body against his holding onto me. His touch was gentle and kind as he tried to comfort me the only way he knew how. I feel him lift me up off the floor and then the soft feeling of the bed under my body as he puts me back into our bed. The covers are now up over me as I shivered just a little more, his hand pressing up against my forehead.

"You don't feel warm." I hear him say.

"That's good I guess." I mutter in response feeling horrible yet a little bit better than I did 10 minutes ago. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep now.

When I open them, again I can see daylight peaking thru the windows. I can hear voices coming from the other room. I roll over to find the two sleeping bodies that were there when I came home gone and no sounds of children in the apartment. I listen for a minute; the voices I hear are those of two men. I assume that it must be Doug and David in the other room talking about me. I felt better than I had when I got home just now I was exhausted. I pull the blanket about me as tight as I can before walking into the other room.

"Baby you should be in bed." I hear David say to me.

"I'm fine just tired what time is it?" I ask

"It's a little after 4." I hear him say.

"Oh crap, David why didn't you wake me up. I'm going to be late now." I say turning to head back to the bedroom to get dressed.

"Erica you are sick you should be in bed not going to work at the hospital." David is right behind me now.

"I'm a resident, we don't get sick days." I say as I try to find my scrubs. I try to stand up feeling light headed and dizzy now.

"You're in no shape to go in." I hear Doug's voice from behind me now. "How long have you been feeling like this?"

"Just since this morning and really I am fine." I say trying to keep my balance, "I am needed at work tonight." I bend over and pick up my shoes standing upright again as the room starts to spin and everything goes black for a second. It felt like I had just blinked. There David is standing over me with this almost scared look on his face. "I'm fine really I am."

"No honey you're not." I hear him say, feeling him push the hair from my face.

"You are going to the ER but not to work." I hear Doug's voice say as David wraps a blanket around me. I'm not on the ground but in his arms.

"You're both over reacting." I say, "I just ate something that didn't agree with me." I'm starting to protest but it's obvious to me from the start that these two are not going to let me get away with it.

"Come on." David says to me, as if I have much of a choice, wrapped up in a blanket in his arms. "I don't want you to fight me on this one, we are taking you in."

I close my eyes as I can feel sleep taking a hold of me. I thought that I might as well take a catnap if he was going to insist on carrying me. The only thing was that this time when I opened my eyes I found myself on a hard gurney in the ER. I had slept longer than I had intended to.

"What time is it?" I mumble now.

"It's after 6." I hear David answer me, "feel any better?"

"A little," I mutter again, "I was just tired, really I am fine." I am not sure why I keep insisting that I am fine. I think it was because I didn't want them fretting over me like I was going to break at any second. I wasn't made of porcelain. I hear a door open and I looked up to see Dr. Kovac enter the room.

"How are you feeling Erica?"

"Just peachy Doc," I say back to him, "can I go home please? Tell the worry warts in my life that I am just fine, got a bit of gastroenteritis going on and that I can go home."

I watch Dr. Kovac look over at David, "can I have a minute alone with her please."

"Luka, its okay David is my husband." I say without hesitation this time, "whatever it is you can say with him here."

I watch him nod as he pulls a chair up next to the bed, "your lab work came back."

"And," I say, "don't leave me hanging like that, I'm a doctor you can tell me what you found Luka." I find myself wondering what they might have found, what the hell could be wrong with me.

There's a soft smile on his face now, "you're going to be fine, congratulations Erica you are having a baby."


	15. Chapter 15: Sudden Changes

_**Chapter 16: Sudden changes**_

It took awhile for that to sink in, "a baby, I'm having a baby are you sure?"

Luka looked at me as if I was almost nuts for saying that one. "Yes Erica I am sure."

"Positive you don't have someone else's lab work by mistake?" I glance over at David who has a smile on his face.

"Erica this is good news."

"Says who?" I find myself snipping back at him now. When I realize what I had just said I look down, "sorry David, I just wasn't expecting this, least of all right now."

"Are you disappointed Erica?" I'm not sure if that was David or Luka talking to me but they deserved an answer.

I sigh now, "No I'm not disappointed not at all," I find myself saying, "it just caught me off guard that's all, I'm happy about the news really I am."

"May I have a minute with my wife?" I hear David say in his that's not a request voice.

"Yes, I'll go start her discharge papers now." I hear him get up and head for the door. I don't look up almost afraid to now. "I'll be back in a few minutes, again congratulations."

"Thank you." I say softly as I hear the door go shut behind him.

"Is this not what you want?" I hear David ask in an extremely serious tone.

"I never said that David."

"You don't have to Erica your tone the way you look that says it all for you."

It's almost as if he's upset with me for not jumping up and down with joy at the announcement. I think long and hard now about what I am going to say to him, I don't want a fight, I don't have the energy for that right now.

"David I'm sorry if I haven't reacted the way that you think I should be reacting. Do you think that a baby is going to make everything instantly better between us? That this solves all our problems."

"No I don't." He said softly now, "but it's a child, it's our child." I felt his hand now rest of my stomach. "You have a life that we created inside you. A little life that's molded from our love for each other, there's nothing more that I could ask for on this earth than for the chance to be someone's father."

I am on the verge of crying now that was so sickening sweet. "David you haven't figured out how to be someone's husband, how do you expect me to believe that you are going to be this child's father?" I thought that it was a very valid point.

David looked at me and for once I saw hurt in his eyes. "That's not fair Erica. Are you going to raise this baby alone and not give me the chance to love him or her?"

"I didn't say that now did I?" I was not going to defend myself right now, not to him.

"You didn't have to." He turns his back to me now.

"You are reading too much into what I just said David, jumping to your own conclusions, and putting words into my mouth." I sit up in the bed now reaching for something to pull over my pajamas.

"You are no better than Dana." I hear him say.

"That's not fair and it's not true and you know that!"

"Why," his back is still to me, right now I am wishing that I could read his mind and figure out where he was getting this hair brained idea from.

"Why, you know me better than that David." I am fighting now not to yell as tears start to fall down my cheeks, "or I thought that you know me better than that. I'm just in shock over all this; I wasn't expecting it right now. I'm not saying I am not happy or that I don't want a baby."

"I'm sorry Erica." I hear him say softly now as he wraps his arms around me.

"Don't please." I say pushing him away from me some.

We have wounded each other yet again, whether we meant to or not. One day we could be the best of friends and the next at each other's throats. Peace never seemed to last long between us. And here and now, it was being shattered again. I should have seen it coming after all this time of goodwill but I didn't and now I was going to have to pick up the pieces again. But this time there was more it was no longer just me and David there was going to be a third person involved in our mess.

"You need to think long and hard about what you want from me." I hear him say.

"Wait just a bloody god damn minute." I say. "Where do you get off telling me to think about what I want from you?" I stare him straight in the eyes now, I'm done messing around with him and I am not playing games anymore. "You need to look in the mirror David, honestly look in the mirror and when you have your perfect little life all straightened out and you don't make any mistakes then you can push the blame for this onto me. I was willing to forgive you for what you had done and now you are having a conniption fit because I am not joyous about having a child."

"Oh I forgot St. Erica doesn't make mistakes."

"You son-of-a-bitch," I say as I reach up slapping him as hard as I can across the face, hormones are now racing out of control and I can't stop this, I couldn't stop if even if I had wanted to. "Get out of my sight now David and stay out of it. Go back to daddy dearest and tell him that I am being a bitch maybe he can instruct you or come up with a plan to fix this mistake, but you had better stay the hell away from me right now. I'm done with it David."

I find myself now with my head over an emesis basin as I am throwing up again. My stomach heaves as my head pounds. I glance up and he is still standing there as if what I had said was immediately nullified by my body's sudden decision to throw up.

"Erica are you all right?" His voice was softer than it had been. Yet I couldn't bring myself to care right now.

"Get out of here!" I would have screamed if I could but my body had other ideas of what it wanted to do right now.

I watch over the edge of the basin as he lowered his head and silently walked out of the room. I am relieved to see him leave but not before another wave of this nauseated nausea washes over me. Thank god, it only lasts for about three months.


	16. Chapter 16: Can't we agree to disagree

_**Chapter 16: We can agree to disagree.**_

Four weeks pregnant turns into 8 weeks. David and I still aren't talking face to face. He has left messages on my machine at least twice a day, if not three times. I'm not ready to break down and give into him. I was still mad for what he had said to me in the hospital. I, however find myself occasionally returning his call leaving messages that say that I am doing all right that I am just busy and since I don't see him when I leave the messages it's easy for me to lie. I just keep asking for more time to adjust to this.

Eight weeks is now twelve weeks and the pregnancy is flying along smoother than it had started. I'm not throwing up now but I have begun to be more careful what I do at work. Granted I am far from showing and few people know. I'm managing to keep it fairly hush; hush, as well as what is not going on between David and me. I feel right now the less people know the better off we will all be. The messages that he leaves me on my machine are now only one a day. Still the same one, but less frequent asking if the baby and I are all right and that he wants to talk about this still. In his soft gentle hushed tones telling me that he understands that I need time and there's always that hushed I love you and miss you.

Twelve weeks has now turned in sixteen weeks. The second trimester has started and I have stopped taking traumas now to reduce exposing the baby to anything. I still take cases I'm just more careful as to what I take and I make sure that I am not anywhere near, where they are taking x-rays. I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that the baby and I stay healthy. The phone calls from David are now maybe every couple of days. I will call him on my next day off I tell myself. I finally do manage to call David but all I get is the answering machine, I leave a short message telling him that I still love him but I need more time to get over this. That we need to get together and try to talk, I leave my schedule with him thinking that he'd call me back when he got it and we could get together my next day off. I'm not sure why I keep asking for more time at this point. I have come to terms with the baby and I have found myself actually somewhat excited about being a mother. I'm scared about it, but then this is new territory for me, and I'm not sure how I am going to balance a residency and a new baby at the same time.

Sixteen weeks are now twenty, and I am halfway thru the pregnancy. There is no more morning sickness but there is a small pouch forming on my stomach from where my child is growing inside. It's been a long day at work and I am leaning heavily on the lockers in the lounge. I'm tired again. I didn't sleep well last night from the barrage of butterfly kicks in my stomach all night long. Guess the baby is trying to prepare me for impending motherhood.

There had been no phone call back from David now in four weeks. I didn't know how to take that, I had made the effort to call him back waiting for him to make the next move and it didn't seem to be coming. I thought about calling him again. Maybe he hadn't gotten the message from the machine; the tape might have been eaten by the machine or something along those lines. You could never been to certain with answer machines. I almost wished that he had voicemail that way I would have known he had gotten it.

I'm getting a craving. I look at the clock and it's almost ten now. Great what a time to decide that I need or rather that the baby needs chocolate milk shake. I pull myself up off the bed where I had just managed to get comfortable from and try to find something to wear. My clothes are starting not to fit, so my choices are limited. Work is easy, scrubs for now can hide all, waists that cinch up are just my thing right now and my lab coat well it hides what the scrubs can't. I sign now as I pull on some old sweats and a baggy sweatshirt and pad out to find my shoes, at least I can put them on with little effort and not having to bend over.

I move to find my purse now when there's a knock at my door. Who would be coming by this late at night? I move carefully towards the door, "whose there?" I call out not wanting to open it being alone and not knowing who or what might be on the other side.

I let out a sigh of relieve as I move to unlock the door. There he is standing with roses in one hand and ice cream in the other. "I thought that you might like these." He said in a soft voice.

I couldn't help but smile at him, "yes, thank you come in." I move to make room for him to come in the door. I took the flowers and ice cream from him closing the door when he got inside the apartment. I walked towards the kitchen, "would you like one?" I asked him as I pulled the blender from the cupboard.

"No I'm okay thanks." He said.

"Can I get you a cup of coffee or something, all I have is instant right now." I said as I started to get a milkshake together for myself.

"No I'm fine really Erica." He said now, "I wanted to talk that's all."

"Yeah we can do that." I say now. "We really need to." I'm not sure how to start the conversation that we need to have, but I know that after all this time we need to have it and figure out where we are going to go from here. I turn the blender on making the milkshake before getting a glass. "Why don't we sit down, we don't have to stand and talk."

I looked over at him and he seemed almost nervous to be there alone with me. I'm just hoping that I can keep the hormones under control and not bite his head off. There's something about him a boyish charm that melts my heart every time that I look at him. He looks like his dad; David really looks like Doug and the more that I look at him the more that I can see that. I find my mind wandering a little now as I wonder if the baby will have that same charm that the other two Ross men possess.

"I don't know how to start this time Erica." I hear his soft voice say.

I looked at him with sincerity in my eyes now, "I honestly don't know either David." I say, "but we have to try and sort this out, if not for us, then for the baby. I'm not saying that we need to stay together because I don't know if that is possible."

"What do you want?" He asked me.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes, "we fight too much David." I find myself saying, "It's not that I don't have feelings, deep feelings for you, but we get along for a little bit and then everything seems to fall apart."

"I know it does."

I'm surprised that he's agreeing with me on that. That's at least a starting point that we can both share. "If I knew what I wanted I'd tell you. But I want you to know that I want you to be a part of the baby's life. I would never keep you from being a parent, no matter what I said or didn't say."

"I shouldn't have said that." I find myself saying, "and really I'm happy that we are having a baby. I just needed some time to adjust to all of it and now I am happy and scared at the same time. I have you to help out though right?"

"Of course Erica, of course you do." He said with a soft smile. "I'll be there, whatever you and the baby need."

I smile at him, we sit and talk for a little bit longer, we might give it another go, and we might not. Nothing was certain in life, nothing ever good or nothing ever bad was certain and we would just have to take it one day at a time now. But this was a start again and that was what we needed right now.


	17. Chapter 17: The secret is out

_**Chapter 17: The secret is out.**_

Ob appointments filled my spare time now as the weeks flew by faster than I thought that they would. Four months quickly turned into five. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to hide my expanding waist for too much longer. I had called David and told him that we needed to sit down and tell Doug. In the explosive fight that we had, had the night, we found out, it was assumed that I just had a bad case of the flu.

I was nervous to say the least. I was going to be telling someone that he was going to be a grandfather. It's not as if David and I were young, too young to be parents, it's just that Doug had a young family of his own. The twins were only eight and still handfuls at times, thinking of the girls, they were going to be 8-year-old aunts in a few months. That thought made it seem even more awkward to be telling him this. Maybe David could do all the talking and I could just sit there in silence and smile.

I think that I was most worried right now about him being upset with us. I know we were grown adults and we knew where what we were doing could lead us, I just honestly think that neither one of us expected this one. We both had other things on our minds at the time, fixing our relationship, David finding a job, my residency, the never ending cycle of day to day things that pile up on you when you aren't paying attention. The baby really did come to us as a surprise. The possibility was probably tucked into the back of my mind just more of something that was highly unlikely to happen, you know what they say expect the unexpected.

David came by the apartment around seven. At first, we were going just to have dinner with them but decided that we should just drop by kind of unexpectedly and somehow find a way to bring it into the conversation.

"Are you ready to do this, are you sure you want to do it?" He asked as we drove towards Doug's house.

"Stop asking me that." I say, "I'm nervous enough as it is."

"You're not the only one." He says as we turn off the highway heading into Wicker Park.

"We have to tell him, there's no getting out of this one David." I say, "he's not stupid the excuse I ate a basketball isn't going to work and I can't keep taking night shifts to avoid having to work with him to much longer, he'd figure it out. I think it's best if we just tell him, have him hear it from you rather than someone else."

"Hear it from me," he says. I can hear the shock in his voice. "Oh no you don't we are doing this one together."

"But he's your dad."

"Erica, he's your father-in-law. You have known him longer than I have."

"But he's your father you are his son, you have a blood relationship with him, that's more than I have."

You can feel that we are both nervous bantering back and forth like to teenagers who don't want to cough up for something that they did. It's humorous and somewhat breaking the tension in the car for us. Making the ride less nerve wracking than the silence would have been.

"That excuse doesn't work. You have a blood connection now too." He says reaching over and patting my stomach a little, "that's his grandson in there."

"Oh so now you can foresee the future and it's a boy. You think that we are having a boy do you."

"Have a told you how absolutely radiant you look tonight?"

"Oh nice try David Timothy," I say reaching over and jabbing at him while he is driving, "not going to work, I'm pregnant of course I am radiant it's the damn hormones."

He pats my leg now, smiling over at me, "you going to be able to keep those in check tonight?"

"Mighty demanding now aren't you? Considering half of the hormone problem is your fault there mister." I say resting my hand on his. We are still able to maintain a somewhat affectionate relationship with each other but have slowed everything else down several notches.

The night that we talked, we decided that it would be best if we both just backed off from trying to save the marriage and see what would come of us starting completely over again. Granted we stayed married, we didn't end the marriage, but rather David moved out and got his own place for now and we spent time together slowly dating and trying to reconnect with each other again. We had decided to do it for us, not for the baby. We knew that holding us together for the sake of a child was the wrong thing to do, that if we were going to make this work that we needed to do it for us, what we felt for each other.

"Have I ever been anything less?"

"That's a loaded question and I really don't think that you want me to answer it." I smile over at him playfully.

He just let out a small scoffing laugh before pulling the car into the driveway. "Okay let's just get this over with so that we are not hiding anything anymore. I will feel better when the secret is out."

"Oh trust me I will feel so much better when it's out too, but I have to wait a few more months before that happens." I say looking at him, my hand now resting on the handle to the car door, "this won't be so bad, I'm sure that he will take it quite well and that he will be happy for us, wont' he?"

"I'm sure that he will be." David slips out of the car and comes around opening the door before I actually had the chance too, "we'll be fine." He says taking my arm as we walk up to the front door of the house.

"Oh god I think I have to throw up." I say just before he reaches up to knock.

"Now would not be a good time to do that." He says softly, "just breathe its okay I'm right here. I meant it when I said that you are not doing this alone."

I take in a deep breath as I watch his hand knock on the door. "Yeah I know," I find that I am right now holding onto his arm for dear life. Not that I had ever been scared of Doug, far from it, it's just that what we were about to tell him was big news and the uncertainty of his reaction was weighing heavily on my mind right now.

"Erica, David." I hear Doug say as the door finally opens, "come in you two, it's nice to see you again."

David and I cross into the house and we all go into the living room. I can feel my hands almost start to sweat and it feels uncomfortably warm in the house right now.

"Hi Dad," I hear David say to his father as we all sit down.

I'm off my feet that's a good thing, but my stomach is still turning over and over making me wish that we weren't doing this, that somehow right now I could back out of doing this and leave David there to tell his Dad by himself.

"Carol's upstairs with the girls." He says looking at both of us, "what bring you two by tonight."

I smile softly, nervously, the only thing that I knew to do right now.

"Erica and I have something that we've been meaning to tell you. Haven't we honey?"

Oh man, don't call me honey right now. I smile this, I'm going to kill you smile at David, "yes we do have something that we need to talk about with you Doug."

Did I just call him Doug after all this time, I had been calling him Dad when I had been around him with David and I just called him Doug? That was going to let him know that something was up. Great I couldn't have just called him Dad. Why am I sitting here arguing in my head with myself? Oh yeah it's so that I don't have to think about what we are about to tell him. I watch as Doug shifts his weight in the chair that he is sitting in and the nervous feeling in me explodes ten fold.

"What is it?" He says there's still a smile on his face, but I have this incredible feeling that isn't going to last long.

I look over at David hoping that he is just going to come out and say it, and find that he is sitting there looking at me. Neither of us is saying anything. I wish that one of us would just say something.

"Okay so what is it?" Doug says, "you two are killing me with the silence here?"

David and I are still just looking at each other, not saying anything still. I shrug my shoulders waiting for him to say anything and he pats my leg waiting for me to say something.

I find myself being the one to take the deep breath and try to say something, "uh Doug, uh Dad, I'm, well, David and I are." I'm not getting anywhere and it's frustrating in a way that something this simple is so hard to say. I look over at David; my eyes saying come on say something don't leave me hanging here.

"What Erica is trying to say," I hear him finally jump in, "is that we are, we well, we are."

Okay he's drowning just as fast as I did. It looks like it's going to be up to me to say it. I don't want to but the two of us are not getting anywhere and maybe if I just blurt it out it will come out a whole lot faster and easier. "I'm pregnant; David and I are having a baby."

Doug is silent and I can't take my eyes off him. I'm not sure what to make of his reaction to my sudden confessional of the pregnancy. The silence is killing me; maybe this was a bad idea.

"A baby," he finally says after what felt like an eternity but was only a couple of minutes.

"Yes." David says, "we wanted you to know before you heard it from someone else. Not that we have told anyone else, you are the only one who we have officially told."

There is silence again from Doug. I was hoping that it was shock; or rather, I was hoping that it was shock. How news like this could truly upset him? Well other than he was going to be a grandfather and David and I were separated, we were still married but living as if we were separated, each of us having our own apartments. It wasn't the traditional way to raise a family, but there were several single parent homes, and our baby would know both his or her parents, that was what David and I wanted.

"Doug." I say softly, "are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He said softly, his voice and tone quiet giving the room and even eerier feeling that what it had with the complete silence. I'm wishing now that maybe we had waited to tell him. We really didn't have the option cause the baby was going to be here in less than four months. "When are you due?"

"The baby is due the end of March." I say looking at him now. I realize that it's not that far away. It's December now and we had waited so long to tell anyone, but we had a lot to figure out ourselves. "I'm sorry that it took us so long to tell you. We had some stuff that we had to figure out before we wanted to tell anyone."

"I understand Erica." Doug said, "I'm happy for you two I am really am."

I just nod there's not much more that I can do than that. I find that I am holding onto David's hand now and I can feel my hands getting sweaty and my stomach revolting on me again. I try my best to will it to stop right now; it's not the time to get sick. I should have been past this.

We spent a couple of hours talking about what was going to happen and what David and I had talked about in regards to the baby. We didn't talk about exactly how we were going to raise the child, as David and I weren't totally certain as to how we were going to do this. We had decided that David was going to stay at my apartment once the baby was here to help me out the first few weeks that we were adjusting to parenthood.

But not the secret was out and we didn't have to worry about him finding out via second hand, maybe in the end of this, we would be one family and for the first time I might have the chance to see three generations together at once. Grandfather, father and son or daughter together and for the first time in the entire pregnancy I found myself wishing that David and I would have a little boy of our own.


	18. Chapter 18: What do you mean you dont' k...

_**Chapter 18: What do you mean you don't know?**_

My ankles now look like balloons; my stomach seems to have a life of its own and has taken over the rest of my body. I have to stop taking trauma's now completely. I'm perplexed at how something so little can make me feel so bloody big. I can't reach as well as I used to it feels like my arms have shrunk, can't move as fast as I need to for fear of getting unbalanced, and can't seem to concentrate all that well either. There was an old saying, that every time you get pregnant you lose brain cells, well right now I feel like I have lost all of mine.

I'm insane for thinking I can do this. Be a mother and a resident. The hours are long and my body is screaming at me at the end of each shift. I am walking around now with food almost constantly. Granted it's not much that I eat when I eat cause 15 minutes later I have heartburn that I swear is going to kill me. I get backaches now after being on my feet for more than 8 hours. Weaver is trying to convince me to take maternity leave that I can make up for the hours that I lose as a resident after the baby is born; I wonder what dream world she is living in. I know that I am not the only parent who works in the ER. Carter has kids, Susan has a baby, and well Susan is the Chief of Emergency Medicine. Carter has Abby, Susan has Chuck, and they all live together, happily married. I have David but we don't live happily together and we are definitely not happily married. Right now, I don't think I could be happily anything. Sad thing is it is only the beginning of February and I have another 8 weeks left of this, oh god how am I going to make it.

I am thinking that I should shoot myself. I told Kerry that I would work up until 36 weeks then I would take time off and that is now 3 weeks away. Less than one more month of being puked on, sworn at, of being asked if people can touch my belly. I'm still trying to figure out what that's about. Yes it's amazing that there's a baby in there, but I am not a Buda, and rubbing me will not bring you luck, it will not make the baby kick and if the baby does decide to kick odds are now that it will kick my spine doing nothing but making me even more miserable so then you will get the rage of a hormonal, tired pregnant lady.

I managed to survive another week and not hurt anyone or myself. Yet I am finding it harder now to make it thru my shifts, but I just keep telling myself that I only have 6 more weeks to go and I know that I can make it, I've done 34 weeks, six more shouldn't and couldn't be that bad.

35 weeks of my pregnancy done and over with and shockingly David is still alive. I have contemplated killing him for this one. Yes, I know it takes two to tango, but why can't men have to have the babies. I waddle home now in the early evening hours my coat wrapped around me in, it is still pretty cold outside and they are calling yet once again for snow. David has pestered me about still taking the EL to and from work, but it's the fast route out there and I have no desire to sit and wait for someone to come and get me when I am off and as I look down, sadly I would not fit behind the steering wheel of the car. That though alone is almost enough to make me yet once more burst into tears, which I had somehow managed to find myself in at work four times today.

I pull my tired body up the stairs, I just want to climb into a warm shower and let the massaging showerhead work its magic again tonight. I open up the apartment door and there's this great smell coming from my kitchen. I hang my keys and my coat up by the door making my way a little further into the apartment. There are candles on my table, which is set and David is standing in my kitchen cooking. Oh, okay, here come the tears again for today. I am so touched that he has done something this sweet for me. I stand there in aw of what he has done.

"Hey baby." He says softly to me coming over and wrapping his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I feel a soft kiss on my forehead. "Thought after your long day you might like a hot meal that doesn't come from the freezer."

Tears roll down my face now, as I try to think of something to say that would be understandable, "oh thank you." I say from behind my teary eyes.

"Is everything okay?" He asks that soft hint of concern for us in his voice. "Why are you crying sweetie?"

"Because this is so sweet," I am really starting to hate these hormone swings, please give me back my emotional control.

He doesn't say anything for a minute, I'm wondering if he's gotten used to me being this psychotic. After all, I have been going from happy to sad to angry in less than a minute on him for about 4 weeks now. I feel his hand reach up to wipe away the tears that are on my cheeks, "why don't you go in and take a shower, dinner has about another 30 minutes. I wasn't sure when you were off and I didn't want it to get cold on you."

Gently sobbing is now coming from me as I head towards the bathroom, he is really being so sweet to me yet I know that in the next hour I will be madder than hell at him for something that he will say or do or not do. I climb in under the hot water taking my time to let it ease some of my aches and pains before climbing out and drying off throwing on some old baggy comfortable clothes and waddle back towards the kitchen.

"Here baby." He says handing me a glass.

"David what's this?" I ask.

"It's a glass of milk for you sweetie." He says back to me.

"And you are giving me this because?" I say giving him that 'watch what you say right now' look.

"Because it's good for you and the baby needs it."

He wasn't paying attention and missed the warning sign I had just given him. I tried to warn him I really did. That was strike one, "thanks but no thanks."

"It's not going to kill you to drink a glass of milk." He says avoiding looking at me.

There is strike two, one more and he's out. "No but it might be detrimental to your health if I am forced to drink that." I move thru my kitchen pulling down a coffee mug.

"Caffeine is not good for the baby." He says.

I set the mug down on the counter, that was three and I could feel it coming now. At least this mood swing had a warning to it. "Oh yeah well considering the fact that I was going to have a cup of coffee but a cup of some DECAFINATED tea is not going to hurt the baby in any way shape or form. So unless you want me to shove that glass where the sun doesn't shine I suggest you back off."

The look on his face is priceless now as I amazingly feel so much better having said that. I do get the impression that he's not liking being on the receiving end of that one, but hey I tried to warn him. He's completely silent now and has stopped pushing me to drink the damn milk.

"You know you can talk." I find myself saying as I fix the tea and move over to sit down putting my feet up on the chair that is next to me. "This silence is freaking me out."

"Oh I can, are you sure about that I would hate to say something that is going to send you flying off your hormonal handle again."

Wow, he's short with me on that one. I would have stood up but that would have taken much more effort than I wanted to expend right now. I'm not sure what to say to him exactly on that one. He had a point but he didn't have to put it quite that way, I was sure that there were other ways that he could have said that. "Don't know what to tell you David on that one." I'm honest with him right now there's no other way that I can be. "I'm 8 months pregnant, working 12 hour shifts still, excuse me if I'm a little hormonal, right now it can't be helped, I have no control over it, seems like you had something to do with that too now didn't you?" Oops now there was more sarcasm that I thought there would be but hey I'm tired.

"You know what I was trying to do something nice for you and I don't think that I really need to stand here and have you yell at me, or snap my head off." He says moving out of the kitchen. "Call me when you decide to get your head out of your ass and be civil." He moves to put on his coat.

"Oh so then you don't want me to call you until after the baby is born then huh, cause that's when all these mood swings might let up." I look at him, "you know what I really wish you could have to deal with some of this, see that it's not as easy as it looks. Having someone living inside you is not a cakewalk."

"Oh come on you are just pregnant, you are not the first woman to have a baby and you are not going to be the last. So get off your high horse and stop bitching so much." He was being serious with me right now.

"Oh yes and that's what I was doing when I came home, I have done nothing but bitch since you first spoke to me tonight." I wanted to end this now before someone said something that couldn't be taken back, which was where it looked like we were headed if one of us didn't do something.

I opened my mouth to say something maybe along the lines of I'm sorry when it hit. This overwhelming feeling of pressure in back that wrapped around to the front. I hadn't thought much about the backache that I had been having all day thinking it was from working but when that hit I had this feeling inside me that this wasn't just any old backache. "David you might want to take your coat off and stay for just a little bit longer." I say rubbing the sides of my stomach thinking that it would go away.

He looks at me like I am nuts asking him to stay. "Why would I want to do something like that, so you can yell at me more?"

"No because I think that I might just happen to be in labor but I'm not sure yet, do you think that you might stay so that if that's what this I might not have to take the EL to County to have the baby?" I'm not trying to be mean but this does hurt just a little bit and I really don't want to have the baby on the EL.

"Erica what do you mean you think you might be but your not sure?" He says there's this panic-stricken look on his face.

"Just that I'm not sure," I look up at him, "what I've never done this before."

"You're a doctor you should know what labor is."

"It's easier to tell someone that they are in labor that for me to know if that's what this is." I am looking up at him, "come on what? Just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean that I know everything, that's why I'm a resident. I'm an ER doc too not a... ohm that hurts that hurts."

"Okay if it is it is, if it's not then they will send you home." David says putting his arms underneath me and helping me to my feet. "Here put your arms in here." He helps me to get my coat on as I finish he turns everything in the kitchen off so that there's nothing that might burn, "okay come on baby." Our moods have changed as we head out the door, going from a couple that's fighting over nothing yet again, to a couple who actually are concerned about the other.


	19. Chapter 19: You're working today

_**Chapter 19: you're working today**_

False alarm, it had been a bloody false alarm. So here, I am now standing in the lounge after being up in ob most of the night. I'm not thrilled right now to be at the hospital but I have a shift and I'm going to work it. David thought that I should just go home and rest but I told him that unless he wanted to spend the day with a cranky and upset me that it would be better that he just let me work. That way I could take it out on everyone else, including poor unsuspecting patients.

"Erica," I hear a voice from behind me say, "what are you doing here, you're working today? I didn't think that we'd be seeing you after they took you upstairs last night."

"False alarm," I say turning to see Luka standing there. "Nothing more than me not knowing what was going on. Pregnancy should and needs to come with a manual."

"Yeah it should." He flees the lounge now. Chalk one up for me. I had been there, I look down at my watch, less than 5 minutes and I had already scared one doctor off. I think that must have been a new record for me. I had to laugh.

I drug myself out onto the floor and started in seeing patients, at least now I got to pick thru the rack and take the ones that I wanted, everyone else still had to see them in the order that they came in. Well except Doug and that was because he took the pediatric patients that came in for the most part.

Lunchtime came and went and the contractions just kept right on coming but since I had been up in ob all night and they said it wasn't labor I didn't think much of them, just considered them an annoyance.

I'm listening to a med student present their patient to me when it felt like I was suddenly being ripped in two. I'm in tears from it and there's a puddle of water at my feet. "Not labor my ass." I say looking down still crying from that hurting.

I see Abby walking by and she has now stopped and is looking at me rather funny. "Erica you okay?"

"I wish." I managed to get out as I am trying not to drop to my knees because it now hurts like a son of a bitch. "I.. I think my water just broke."

Abby looked at the floor and then at me, "get a gurney and clear a room." I hear Abby say. "Hold on Erica." I feel her arm helping to hold me up and then she helps actually get me up onto the gurney before I feel myself being pushed into an exam room. "Call her husband and get him down here we're having a baby." Abby gives me a small smile as if that is going to make everything all right. "Take a deep breath sweetie; it's all going to be okay."

I see out of the corner of my eye the medical student on the phone and then see her hang it up. "Her husband is on his way." I hear her say as she pokes her head into the room.

'Is Doug here?" I ask not knowing now that I have asked that if I really want to know the answer to that one.

"Do you want him to know you are here?" Abby asked, "he's working today I think he's in another exam room."

I have to think about that one for a minute and as I do another contraction hits and I am about to go flying thru the roof, I have never felt pain like that in my life. "No, yes, no," I'm not sure what I want right now. "Yes please get him." My mind is going a million different directions right now and I don't know for sure if I want my father-in-law in the room where I am giving birth, but I don't have any other family and I have no idea when my husband is going to get there.

She looks at the medical student, "run and get Dr. Ross tell him that Erica is in labor and that she wants him."

They are getting more painful now, as the minutes seem to fly by and David isn't there. I know that he's about 15 minutes away from County by car.

"How's she doing?" There was finally a familiar voice.

"They are about three minutes apart; she's 100 effaced and dilated to nine." I hear Abby say.

"Hey." I hear him say as it takes my hand, "you're doing good sweetie." I feel a soft kiss on my forehead now.

"Abby ob is on its way down now; paramedics are coming in with an approximately 25 year-old male MVA." I hear a voice say.

"Okay." I hear her reply, "you got her Doug?"

"Yeah I'm good with her." I hear him say, "I'll stay with her and make sure OB takes good care of her."

"David where's David?" I am starting to panic now not wanting him not to be here for this. I want him there; right now, I really need him.

"He'll be here Erica; he wouldn't miss this for anything." I hear him say to me. "I'm sure he's on his way now."

I hear Abby's voice now, "Doug, I need to talk to you now."

"I'll be right back." He says as he pushes my hair back and I am left alone in the room with just a nurse. I can see the trauma room across the hallway now. My heart breaks when I catch the face of the patient that is laying on the gurney.

I can't make out what Doug is saying to Abby, oh how I wished right now I could read lips but I can't so I am forced to labor away in here alone and not know what is going on with David. I push the pain of labor from my head as I pull myself up out of the bed. The nurse in there with me is now trying to convince me that I need to stay in that bed.

"That's my husband." I say to her pushing my way out the door, doubled over from the pain of the contractions. I go past Doug and Abby into the trauma room. I feel a hand on my arm now.

"Come on Erica you can't be in here." I hear Doug's voice say. "You need to let them do their jobs and you need to concentrate right now on having that baby."

"David." I softly cry out my heart hoping to god that it's going to be all right that he's not broken beyond repair.

There are two strong arms around me now pulling me back and into my own room; tears are streaming down my face. The contractions are coming faster now. "Doug pressure, oh god, pressure." I am about screaming now.

"Hold on honey." I hear him say. He leaves the room and comes back with Luka in tow now.

"Okay Erica." Luka says softly keeping his tone soft and easy with me right now. "She's fully dilated and crowning; this isn't going to wait any longer for ob. On the next one Erica I want you to push."

As I try to concentrate on what I am suppose to be doing I can see them working on David across the hall, as the contraction hits and I try my hardest to bring the baby into the world I see Abby with the paddles in her hands. I push she shocks, I push again and Abby shocks him again.

I close my eyes now as I am in a hell of a lot of pain both from trying to get this baby out and from David next door right now.

"One more Erica come on, give me one, a good hard one you're almost there, the baby's almost here." I hear Luka coaching from the end of the bed.

I am giving it everything I have inside; I just want my child into the world now. I feel like I have no more inside me that was my last push. I can't do this there is just no way that I can do it.

The sounds of a baby's first cries fill the room as I fall back against the bed exhausted. As I look up to see my child, I can see Abby shake her head and snap her gloves off. My child had taken its first breath in this world on its own and my husband took his last. I don't know what to feel right now until Luka placed the baby wrapped up now in a small blanket into my arms, "it's a boy, he's perfect and healthy good job mom."

I look into the eyes of my son, holding him close to me, kissing his tiny head. Tears are welling now in my eyes as I look upon our son. "Welcome to the world Steven Douglas Ross." I am holding onto his tiny fingers now watching him in wonder as I can feel my heart breaking. I'm not sure inside how to feel so much joy and yet so much sorrow at the same time.


	20. Chapter 20: When it's over

_**A/N: ** Thank you to everyone who has read and review my story, for the small motivational kicks that you have given that kept it going until now. So as not to keep Crazy little witch waiting any longer than she has to, here's the last chapter sorry but everything has to end of A strangers eyes._

_**Chapter 20: When it's over**_

Dana came to the funeral that I had held in Chicago. I didn't think that Kentucky was the place to hold it. Here was where we had started to make our home together again. She didn't say much to me the entire time she was there. But for some reason inside that didn't bother me, what did was that she wouldn't even look at her grandson. It was as if in her eyes he didn't exist.

Part of me thought that she blamed me. That I had taken her little boy from the safety of Kentucky and threw him into big city life. That if I had gone home with him, then none of this would have happened. Odds are that it still would have happened; the only difference is that all three of us would have been in the car. I kiss the head of my son who is snuggled in my arms, the thought of not having him, not being there made me hold him even closer. I am thankful for the joy amongst the sorrow in my heart.

I sit on my couch in my apartment now, everyone is gone and I have never felt so alone in my life. I keep waiting, expecting him to come walking thru that door any minute now. It's not going to happen no matter how hard I wish for it or want it. It is going to be just me and my son for the rest of my life and my job now is to raise him the way that David and I would have raised him together. In that small way, I can honor my husband's memory. I want Steven to know the kind, loving man that his father was. I felt as if he was still there in the room with us watching down on us from heaven to keep us safe.

The months slowly passed, the void in my heart from David's passing was still there. But watching our son grow and learn put a smile on my face and eased my broken heart. In a way it was as if David didn't leave me, he was still here. I could see him in my son's eyes when I looked at him. He reminded me of the love that David and I shared, the good times that we had together, that he was my little miracle. A piece of me and a piece of my husband that would live on long after we were both gone.

That first summer came and gone, we celebrated Steven's first birthday and now here summer had rolled around again. The baby is 16 months old now and I am sitting in Doug and Carol's back yard watching Tess, Kate and Steven run wild. The air is warm even though it's getting later in the evening now.

I find my thoughts drifting as the children play, a part of me wishing he were here to see this. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch Doug struggle with the barbeque. Some things never change. I see Carol sitting down in the chair softly laughing now. I smile over at her as they have pulled me from my thoughts, "he'll never get it." I say.

"Have a little faith in me." I hear Doug call from over the grill. "It's just being stubborn."

I had to laugh, "no I think that it's operator error."

"Yeah, yeah," he calls back at me. He is still fighting with it. I can see that look on his face as if he's not going to lose to a grill.

"Are the kids going to get hot dogs tonight or so I schedule that for next week." I laugh. I have become family here and poking fun at my father-in-law whenever possible has become a newfound hobby for me. Besides Doug knew I did it out of love and respect for him.

I had spent much of my free time over here. Grandparents were an important part of a child's life and I knew that. Doug didn't seem to be upset that we had made him a grandfather and when he held Steven for the first time, I saw the love in his eyes for the small child. While he might have made mistakes in David's life, he seemed bound, determined and so willing to make sure that Steven knew who his grandfather, his family was.

"You are so funny." He says giving me that look, "I'll get it don't you worry none."

I roll my eyes; I had to, "where have I heard that one before. That sounds mighty familiar to me."

"Mommy," I look down to see Steven pulling at me, "hungry."

"I know sweetie." I say as I kiss his forehead, "just a little longer." I hand him a graham cracker and watch him run back off towards Doug. I watch him pulling now at his shirt, the only thing my son can reach.

"Papa hungry," I hear my little one inform him, "fix."

I watch Doug pat his head, "Papa's working on it." There's a smile on Doug's face when he says that to him.

I move from my spot now heading over to them. I reach down and gently move Steven away, "go play with Tess and Kate." I say softly making sure that he's moved to play with his aunts. I move in and use the same trick that I had to use when we lived in Kentucky, "your son never could light the grill either. He was more useful in the kitchen than outside the kitchen." There's a soft smile on my face as I talk about David. One more soft touch and I have his grill going.

Doug laughs now, "guess it runs in the family."

"Yeah it does." There's a toddler now wrapped around my legs, "mama you fix-ted-it."

"Yeah I did baby." I say, "now papa can make your hot dog."

I watch his eyes light up as he looks at Doug again, "papa me's hungry." I see Doug swoop him up off the ground spinning him around like a little top in the air. Giggles are erupting from his tiny body.

I toss the food on the grill as grandfather and grandson play. Part of my life ended the day that he was born, but yet the best part seem to start that day. I came to Chicago a woman with a broken heart. And now I was a woman with enough love to last me a lifetime. Chicago would always be my home, it was here that with the love of a family I would raise my son into the man that I knew his father was becoming and to teach him that no matter what life gave you, you always had the love of your family.

I was no longer standing on the outside of this family looking in thru a stranger's eyes, but I was part of Doug's family as well as the County family. I had friends, coworkers and family that would help me raise Steven. He and I with all of this would never truly be alone.


End file.
